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xmag.com : December 2000 : Girl Trouble

Had my eye on Hollywood last night, thanks to that must-be-TV show Access Hollywood. This is the you-don’t-have-cable-or-a-life late night TV that I’ve been waiting for all my days. Never mind pathetic Pat O'Brien, or reports that Melanie Griffith’s back in treatment (after inflating her lips and breasts like a blow-up doll to keep Antonio B. happy, drugs are the only solution). Never mind Ahnold’s arm decor (whoops, wife) Maria Shriver, and her sunken hollow cheeks looking like she just escaped Auschwitz. Thinner is the winner. Go ask any Super Model, or, Esther Canadas, the reason I accessed Hollywood at 2:00 AM. And there she was, sucking face in a soon-to-be-released Pepsi product commercial. Talk about lips, Melanie, you poor, aging, spin-dry-country-club wash-out.
But what’s really sad is not that Melanie’s bubble burst, or Maria’s dying to be thin, but someday even Esther must hang up her lips and go quietly into the closet of forgotten clothes hangers. While Griffith, Geena Davis, Goldie Hawn et al. keep coming back in ever more pedestrian excuses for entertainment, Esther’s face should never leave our view. Tyra Banks, Naomi Campbell, Kathy Ireland, Kate Moss and company, there ought to be something worthwhile for the aging Super Model to step into when she walks off the runway. As I gaze upon this year’s beauty pageant cum Marx Brother’s Monkey Business, otherwise known as the election that would not die, I’m thinking: Why not a Super Model for President? What earthly difference in the corporate media scheme of things can it possibly make if the puppet, er, president, has any political experience?

~Those world leaders are all bad boys that wanna be spanked by a cigar wielding Super Model President standing taller than the Empire State.

Who wouldn’t want to vote in the phony, scripted who-wants-to-be-a-president elections if Esther Canadas was running against Tyra Banks? And after she’s crowned, whoops, elected, imagine the skyrocketing ratings for the State Of The Union Address. More like, what about her, a, dress, heh, heh. I’m serious as a hand recount—something I do every night recounting love lost with my left hand. Can’t you see Naomi Campbell, who’s already mastered the art of abusing her aides, as the Republican Beauty Contestant, vs. Kate Moss, pretending to stand for the Lilliputians as the Democratic candidate. Sunday morning, and there they are locking eye shadow on This Week with Sam Donaldson.

Donaldson: “Miss Campbell, what do you propose as a long term solution for Social Security?”
Campbell: “I think old people need to die-off to make room for youth and beauty. But I do think they should all be given soup, lots of soup for their tired toothless mouths to swallow while they watch me Rule! on TV.”
Donaldson: “Thankyou for your insightful remarks,” turning to Kate Moss.

Kate Moss

Ms. Moss:
“Wait a second. Old people can’t help it that they lived so long they went and got all decrepit. And soup? Who needs soup? Old people need cable TV so they can all watch me and plenty of milk for their brittle breaking bones.”

And Esther, well, she could run for anything. Senator from New York sounds like a good place for her to start. Hillary wouldn’t stand a chance against her in 2006, right around the time Esther would be retiring. Never mind that she’s from Spain. If war-not-peace Dick Cheney can switch his residence from Texas to Wyoming one month before the Republican convention (Constitution forbids both the president and vp being elected from the same state) then Esther can become a US citizen whenever it suits her political ambitions.
Running on a platform should be no problem for Super Models cum Super Candidates. After all, they’re all used to runway poses on platforms... shoes, that is. Americans hate short presidents. Ask Dukakis or Humphrey. And Super Models, who start at 5’ 8” and go up, will be looking very presidential at six foot plus, when you factor in the mandatory 4” heel. That gets my meaningful vote every time.
But what would the Super Model platform look like? Esther might say: “An Abglide (TM) in every home; lower lipstick prices; tax relief at the pump for those poor, oppressed SUV drivers; free bottled water; free Tibet; and a moratorium on any future Richard Gere movies or Richard Simmons appearances on the Tonight Show... and Keith Richards still has the best blow!” Thankyou Esther.
Imagine the renewed US diplomatic dominance (playing to the delusion Nation/States actually do matter) sending in our leader, Esther Canadas, instead of our clown, George Dubya, to disperse some Middle Eastern crisis. Those long, silky presidential legs sliding out of the stretch limo in Tel Aviv, Arafat would not only lay down his arms, but lie down on the Persian rug praying Esther and the US of A might walk all over him. Those world leaders are all bad boys that wanna be spanked by a cigar wielding Super Model President standing taller than the Empire State.
The Super Model is yet another creation of American Ingenuity that has circled the globe. Yet, their lifespan is so fleeting and the whims of Massman so ATD impaired, we must harvest the political capital of these mighty Redwoods now! Why not invite them to wield their fierce fashion power in the only beauty contest that matters: Politics. Rather than worshiping the scale, they could all be weighing in on the scales of justice from Congress to the Whitehouse, giving us all succulent thick-lipped sound bytes to soothe us and send us to bed. If Super Models were competing for president today, we wouldn't be asking for a recount. We would be demanding more replays of their close-ups. And waiting for the next Super Model President to breathlessly sing “Happy Birthday America” on the Fourth of July. It’s all so Prima Facia Fascist, it makes my nutsack ooze dead soldiers.


Girl Trouble from Rex Breathes


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