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xmag.com : February 2001 : The Gospel According to Viva Las Vegas

The Gospel according to Viva Las Vegas - "the laziest gal downtown"


So, a friend of a friend's came into the bar the other night, and said she thought that I should do a column about women who visit titty bars. Just the idea twisted my mouth into a grimace of annoyance, though I pretended I felt otherwise. But whenever your face does something in spite of yourself, there's something there, a little bit o' thorniness to be examined. So here ya go, ya gorgeous Clara Bow girl, who stared at me with evident excitement and supported the arts most sufficiently and respectfully...aw, honey, if only they could all be like you!

Women are fascinating psych-maps, wild cards at all times, and sensitive to the subtlest vibrations. I can't understand 'em....try to avoid 'em....don't really trust 'em. "Snakes in the grass," grandma told ma told me. Snakes in the grass. Infinitely wise, infinitely cunning, infinitely slippery and unpredictable. I don't even trust myself.

Of course some women--the luminous ones, well on their way to beatific self-actualization--sit at the rack side by side with the boys. They tip well, are sufficiently entertained, appreciative and even tacitly approving. They are delightful. Gorgeous. Fascinating. Possibly still snakes, but I am easily beguiled...

But for those handful of lovelies, how many crass, khaki-clad naysaying wenches must we endure? It's obvious they feel threatened. They've entered the temple of doom and must a) be obnoxiously naughty and distracting, or b) be rude and derisive. Girls will often snicker and loudly whisper how fat/thin you are, how large/small your breasts, etc. And the gals who are out with their guys in the naked city, they gotta show that they are as naughty/desirable/into exhibitionism as the working girl. This type makes out with strangers at the rack, sits on laps and keeps her hands and tongue awfully busy.

It never works to call these girls on their improprieties. I've had it escalate into some pretty ugly stuff.

"Uh, excuse me? You're being rude...could you at least whisper so I can't hear you?"

"YOU'RE being rude!! I can't believe you just said that to ME!! I'm gonna get you fired!"

One time I hit a girl.

On the other hand, it's probably good that these ladies are taking the first step in confronting their hang-ups by staring us Beasts in the eyes. There's a multitude of things to be learned in a strip club. One that's perhaps most important for women is that titty bars are not all they're cracked up to be. The women are not always strung-out junkies who whore about the bar, trying to steal people's husbands after giving a degrading gynecological show for fat furry oafs. I myself was shocked to learn that strip bars, of all places, are filled with the neo-proverbial thousand points of light. And, if you watch the show respectfully, you just might learn something about yourself. The gal who commissioned this piece said she'd learned a lot about her own sexuality!! Mahvelous! I wanted to pick her pretty brain on that one, but she vanished into the sultry old town night. So here's your column, doll. Hopefully you'll be in again soon so we can compare notes on what we've really learned. Here's a few bits that knocked my socks off (and everything else):

* Women come in all shapes and sizes. And people find this variety attractive

* and wonderful. Outrageous!!

* A very large number of men, when faced with an all-nude girl, prefer to look

* her in the eyes and get turned on thusly. And so do I.

* Naked girls are open about a lot more than their bodies. Frequently they'll

* let you into their lives without prejudice or suspicion and can quickly

* become your best friends.

Oh, and one final admonition for the guys and gals....Giving a stripper a dollar in your mouth is SO unhygienic, and not at all sexy! Perhaps it pleases the boys, but you and I are in danger of contracting the whole alphabet of hepatitises! Think about it.

Happy VD.



p.s. Lucy Fur is mounting another one of her fabulous productions!! DO NOT miss her Cartoon Cabaret, February 11th at Berbati's. Yours truly will be there, with long tails and ears for hats, guitars with sharps and flats...A benefit for Northwest Rock Medicine, cover is $7/$5 with costume.




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