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March 2000 Columns
xmag.com : March 2000 : Carnal Knowledge

The Gospel according to Viva Las Vegas - "the laziest gal downtown"

by Frank Faillace' [fuh-lah-chay]
Email: ffaillace@webtv.net
Office: 503-241-4317

"Before me nothing but eternal things were made, and I endure eternally. Abandon every hope, who enter here."

--The Divine Comedy

Last month, in between watching girls fisting each other in some German pornos and searching out more and better ways to light fires in small rooms, I celebrated my birthday in a dark red roomful of haze from illegal green flowers grown in Oregon, drinking illegal green liquor fermented in Czechoslovakia, and consuming pepperoni pizzas, martini glasses, chocolate cake and legal-by-prescription little blue vali-yum-yum-yums from the local pharmacy.

"When I had journeyed half of our life's way, I found myself within a shadowed forest, for I had lost the path that does not stray."

--The Divine Comedy

I remember dark music, red lights, poker games, drunken lawyers, locked bathroom doors, evil laughter, fires and lots and lots of female flesh. I think someone may have pictures, and thus evidence of that carnalicious late-night sinferno. The person must be found and the evidence destroyed. We're not fuckin' around here.

"There dreadful Minos stands, gnashing his teeth: and he, the connoisseur of sin, can tell the depth in Hell appropriate to it; as many times as Minos wraps his tail around himself, that marks the sinner's level."

--The Divine Comedy

My birthday was also the night of the Miss Nude Oregon Pageant. From what I've heard my birthday was waaaay more fun, but then that's not a big surprise. The fact it was fun had nothing at all to do with my birthday. Over the years I've learned the importance of being earnest and the insignificance of being frank, if you know what I mean. Good times correlate with good friends and good people, everything the pageant lacked.

"My guide and I came on that hidden road to make our way back into the bright world; we climbed until I saw, through a round opening, some of those things of beauty Heaven bears. It was from there that we emerged, to see-once more-the stars."

--The Divine Comedy

I gotta go, my C.O.D. package from Germany just got here...



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