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xmag.com : March 2002 : The Gospel

The Gospel according to Viva Las Vegas - "the laziest gal downtown"

Viva

All the votes are in and have been tabulated. The Academy has withstood the usual infighting, inbreeding, and attempts on members' lives. The results are as follows:
 
BEST PLACE TO FUCK IN PORTLAND, OREGON: Under the St. Johns Bridge in some Rockerdude's van. Yummy!
 
BEST NEW PAIR OF BOOTS: All three of 'em! The perfect cowboy boots from Buffalo Exchange....the perfect black leather sexpot half-calf boots from Florence (Italy, not Oregon)....and let's not forget the trashy, oyster-shell-colored, patent-leather cowgirl kickers from Seattle. They're gonna walk all over you!
 
BEST DADDY: You know who you are.
 
BEST LIVE BAND OF 2001: The goddamned King Bros.! Check 'em out. Cute Jap boys'll blow the roof off your circus tent. Gee whiz!
 
BEST FIRST DATE: He disinterestedly deigned to meet me for a drink, then took me to a poetry reading, out to dinner, out to drinks, up to the top of the Empire State Building, out for more drinks, then gazed at me with wonder until 4AM and paid for all the cabs! Where'd I put him?
 
BEST PICK-UP LINE: "Can I eat you out, right here, right now?"
 
RUNNER-UP: "You're reading Dostoevsky's The Idiot? Well, I am an idiot!" [This from a cute guy alongside me in the waiting room of the Emergency Mental Health Services joint. Yeah!]
 

BEST BATHROOM: Oh my god! The PARK in Chelsea, NY. It's tiny, with mirrored walls and ceilings, red lights, a black marble john and sink with a GIANT GOLDEN COCK-and-balls faucet. Wow. I purringly watched myself pee, then lit Ethan Hawke's cigarette, then the place burned down! I hope they build it back up exactly the same. I think the key for sexy bathrooms might be that they're small and cramped. Of course, a giant golden cock-and-balls faucet always helps. But one should not worship false idols.

"I purringly watched myself pee, then lit Ethan Hawke's cigarette, then the place burned down!"

 

BEST PERSON WHO DIED: Joey Ramone. He's singin' with the angels now!
 
BEST THING TO DO AT AN OFFICE JOB: Try to get yourself off. No hands! When I had a really boring office job, I'd practice for ten minutes every hour using the good ol' "clench technique." After a day and a half, I was wildly successful. However, once I got goin', it was hard to stop. Can guys do this? Let me know.
 
BEST PLACE TO BE ON MARCH 6TH: In Ryan Adams's pants...I mean...at Portland Organic Wrestling at Satyricon! It's their first anniversary and should be totally off the hook, yo.
 
BEST STRIPPER EVER: Salomé at Magic Garden's.
 
RUNNER UP: You.
 
BEST MOVIE: The Royal Tenenbaums.
 
WORST MOVIE: Moulin Rouge.
 
I'd like to thank God and my family and all you nice folks who give me money. I don't know what I'd do without you. Everyone's golden cock-and-balls statuettes will be in the mail by April 15th. Thank you! I love you!

 

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