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March 2000 Columns
xmag.com : March 2000 : Pornos for Primates

Pornos for Primates - adult movie review by Rex Breathes

This month's Pornos for Primates Online
includes a special Online-Only Feature:
including downloadable video clips!


Raw; VCA; Dir., Antonia Pasolini; Stars: Kylie Ireland, Joel Lawrence, Anita Cannibal, Donita Dunes, Midori, Michael J. Cox...

Hollywood stiffs--who couldn't get work as extras on 90210--audition for a cheesy Sci-Fi flick called "Extermino Man." Like all rejected actors, they next seek work down on the local porno farm pickin' pussy. Cut to the French maid fellating her boss with a feather duster butt plug stickin' outa her ass. Men in tuxes, Foster Grants and white gloves line up to get their knobs polished. A bust of John F. Kennedy looks on. The maid takes a hot come bath from the tux team.

Raw offers all the standard scenes: casting couch, naughty nurse, prison girl between-the-bars blowjob (with sweet 16 bar Texas blues shuffle under). Along the way, the outa work actor is transformed into a Dirk Diggler (Boogie Nights)--sans coke habit and Mark Wahlberg's pecs. His new stardom inspires a nightmare (dream come true?) featuring his fiance transformed into a slutwife recipient of an all anal gangbang. No reasonable cock refused. (Star Kylie Ireland told rex that scene took over 4 hours to shoot and she didn't want it to end.)

Success mutates our hero into a booze swilling, polyester and black leather jacketed fellatio junkie. He finally meets a slut that can swallow all of him. Crotchless white pantyhose and AVN covers are the signposts of the hero's descent into Dante's Inferno. He winds up in an S&M scene where he's expected to sub for his fem-dom fiance. This career move doesn't suit him. None the less, he sticks around to watch--his eyes riveted on his no-more-wife-to-be sucking dick. Choosing to watch for free when he could have been paid to participate is his punishment. In the end, VCA publicist and Raw star, Kylie Ireland, gets the leg up on the last orgasm. Our hero can only swallow his shame. He winds up as a clerk/jerk in a porno store, telling a customer, "Yeah, I used to be somebody." Which reminds me of an old Lily Tomlin line: "The more cynical I get, the harder it is to keep up." Or, keep it up. Raw will rub you the right way.

Personal Trainer Sluts; VCA; Stars: Sana Fey, Kay Lynn, Cherry Mirage, Bridgette Kerkove, Dave Hardman, Mr. Marcus...

A personal trainer escort service helps guys keep their dicks in shape (apparently, they don't have Vera Katz breathing down their necks). Gym equipment and naked girls, this could be good, if the girls looked like they ever got near a gym--except for making this video. A colossal breasted blonde--the trainer sluts' madam--treats the audience like naughty little boys, telling us all to "keep your hands off your cocks." I can't tell you how easy that was. Dave Hardman shows up in his ubiquitous 80's haircut for a sub male scene with a chubby piece of trainer trash. Rex last saw Hardman in White Trash Whore 14, where he was the one in charge. This scene shows off Hardman's amazing range as a porno actor. Reluctantly, I exercise my thumb on the FF button. Girl/girl scene four flies by. At last, that German whore, Bridgette Kerkove, shows up with two brothers who need a work out. I exercise my thumb on the FF button, again!, slowing down to single time. Bridgette fellates the brothers, betraying her Aryan genes. The fourth Reich rises in her face as her mouth-for-a-cunt conquers these proud soldiers. Bridgette doesn't even bother with vaginal penetration, as the advancing African soldiers go directly to jail and fuck her ass. As an after thought, her pussy serves its only useful purpose: double black penetration.


Shay's WorldShay's World; Sin City; Dir., Devan Sapphire; Stars: Shay Sweet, Envy, Jade Marcela, Amanda Rain...

Shay Sweet gives her boyfriend a going away fuck--always a good idea when you plan on cheating on him. She calls a fantasy phone line where a guy in a serial killer style stocking mask takes her request: to be abducted and forced to watch depraved sex acts. Shay acts like she's ordering a pizza with pepperoni. I swear, she's that good an actress. Shay--with her silver lipstick, fake boobs and platinum hair--is one valley girl who couldn't get a job at Taco Bell (TM). If it wasn't for porn, she'd be suckin' dick for $20 on the Strip. The publisher thinks she's hot, which explains why this magazine is not. Anyway, back to our story. Somewhere in scene three, I wake up long enough to notice the cigars, cognac and cocksuck performed by another valley girl abducted into porn because she couldn't make it as a welfare mom.

If they ever outlaw porn, the state of California will have thousands of morons to support who formerly worked in front and behind the camera. I can forgive the actors--going for a slice of the California dream the only way they know how. But the myriad shithead producers, driving their Porsches into oblivion, who keep adult films below the level of Cheeze Whiz (TM), should all be abducted, shot full of goofballs and forced to watch their films with their eyes taped open. Maybe then... Nah. There would just be a new wave of morons. Porn producers are like cockroaches: there's always ten more idiots waiting in the wings for each one you see. Or, even the smallest dog can raise its leg up and make its mark on the adult entertainment empire.


Magnum LoveMagnum Love; VCA; Dir. Bob Chin (former director of many Johnny Wadd movies); Stars: Billy Glide, Stacy Valentine, Chloe, Sydney Steele... Special appearances: Laurie Holmes (widow of the legendary John) and Veronica Hart

The private dick gives a proper tongue lashing to his gal Friday, who then takes dick-tation on his desk. She fellates him--Peter Magnum, P.I.--while he's on the phone. Magnum comes on her face, then has to run as he gets the call that his ex-girlfriend has been murdered. In stunning flashback narrative, Magnum reflects on his blind ex-girlfriend.

"The time I spent with her was the happiest moments of my life. Sometimes she tried to push me away... scared that she'd be a hindrance." You know, this is getting so good, for a second I thought I was watching a pilot for a new, hip generation P.I. drama. Cut to the murder scene. His ex is now dead, in addition to being blind, found naked next to a dumpster. Magnum investigates in spite of his angst. The killer's got a .44, but Magnum does, too. God, this is so bad it's getting good.

More flashbacks of Magnum pushing his blind girlfriend on the swing as he loads his Dirty Harry sized gun. And that's not the only big gun this private dick is packin'. Magnum tries to pick up the trail of the crazed killer, taking time out to have sex with every slut he questions. But the killer's following Magnum, threatening any woman who once knew his dead-ex. At one point, Magnum tells the killer over the phone, "You better get out of there, buddy," as the killer intimidates a blonde bimbo with his scarfaced sneer. The threat of seeing Magnum in his charcoal silver vinyl jacket and pants is enough to scare the killer away.

'The private dick gives a proper tongue lashing to his gal Friday, who then takes dick-tation on his desk.'

Magnum goes to visit the gravel voiced Chloe. The '99 AVN Awards' best actress doesn't have much to work with here as she struggles to free Magnum's not-so-private dick from his vinyl monkey suit. Magnum leaves Chloe cold; but that's OK, because she always keeps a guy and a girl hiding in her closet for just such occasions.

Magnum sniffs the trail down to the dyke bar. Slo-mo bar fight ensues. Magnum pulls out his magnum as the old dyke equalizer. Back at the office, he gets harassed by a feminist private investigator--whose idol is Pam Grier. He shuts her up with his dick. In the end, Magnum gets all the pussy and the crazed killer, too. With more laughs than your average sitcom, Magnum Love proves that while two wrongs don't make a right, three lefts do. VCA should cut out the sex scenes and offer Magnum to Fox as a new, one hour P.I. comedy. As such, it would be better than David E. Kelley's canceled Snoops.


More Pornos for Primates
from Rex Breathes


Dec. 99
Nov. 99
Oct. 99
Aug. 99
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