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April 2000 Columns
xmag.com : April 2000 : Carnal Knowledge

Carnal Knowledge

Frankby Frank Faillace' [fuh-lah-chay]
Email: ffaillace@webtv.net
Office: 503-241-4317

The Absinthe-Minded Confessor

Once again I've gotten myself into trouble with this little column. Two months ago it was with my ex-girlfriends; this time it's with something equally as frightening: the Oregon Liquor Control Commission.

It seems that someone with British spelling and grammatical habits--and a personal vendetta against me--sent a copy of my column last month to the OLCC with a letter stating their concern with my supposed advocacy of illegal drug use. The OLCC now wants an explanation for my writing.

Before the lawyers get involved in several fronts on this matter, I'd like to point out that certain degrees of artistic license and liberty have been afforded writers over the centuries. It's called fiction, stupid. You know the line: Characters and situations in this column are purely fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons or situations are completely coincidental...

So last month I wrote that I had been "watching girls fisting each other in some German pornos..." when in actuality I had only been imagining something my ex-girlfriend had told me about her and her girlfriend fisting each other.

I also wrote about celebrating my birthday "in a dark red roomful of haze from illegal green flowers grown in Oregon, drinking illegal green liquor fermented in Czechoslovakia..." Actually, I celebrated my birthday in a dark room in a soft bed fisting my ex-girlfriend.

Now, in these cases, what the OLCC objects to I can only imagine. Apparently artistic license and liquor licences (sic) don't go hand in hand.

Excuse me while I go smoke some more crack...



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