Girl Trouble by Rex Breathes


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Our San Francisco editor Bob Armstrong called it, “The blowjob heard ‘round the world.” Truer words. . . As bombs fell from black B-52’s on Baghdad, Saddam must have been cursing, “God (Allah, whatever) damn that spoiled yuppie princess for ever wrapping her godless lips around Clinton’s unwashed prick. . . Now I’m the one payin’ for it.” That’s right. What started off as an innocent blowjob between two consenting adults in the bathroom of the Oval Office became bombs falling on Baghdad. Blowjobs/bombs. Job blowing bombs. Bimbos bombshells blowjobs. Blow me. Bomb me.

No. It’s not very poetic. And there’s no justice or license either. But let’s face the facts. You have a frustrated president who’s used to getting it on a regular basis from his gal pal, Monica. A tryst as recent as last Easter Sunday, post-worship, was reported in the Starr Report (redundancy ad absurdim intentional). So, Bill’s been going without for over six months now. Testosterone build-up. You know Hillary’s not giving it to him because she’s pissed. He’s pent-up. Needs release. Missiles and bombs–how fucking phallic can you get–are his only solution. That or gain fifty pounds on fast food bingeing. . . which is sure to make him look guilty as hell. (Fat people always look guilty while thin people can get away with murder.) So, what’s a poor president to do? Bomb Iraq into the Stone Age, what else.

Of course, there’s a lot of middle aged men out there who have gone over six months without anyone sucking their cock and who have managed to refrain from bombing a third world country. But Bill’s different. He’s special. In fact, maybe our president is a sex addict. Has all the signs. High risk sex in places where he could easily get caught. Continues to have sex after he’s been discovered, in spite of the danger of losing everything: the House, the Senate, the helicopters, the private jet, the 100k+ per year pension, and his own library. We’ve got a God damn sex addict who’s had his daily supply shut off, with his shaking, sweating hand on the button of the largest arsenal of mass destruction the world has ever known. And Clinton’s worried about Saddam? Talk about denial and projection.

You laugh. Sex and violence, sex and violence, go together like a reverse horse and carriage; you can’t suppress one without increasing the other. Look at movies. Gotta keep the sex and nudity down to satisfy all the right wing religious zealots. So the special effects violence and gore goes right into orbit. Armageddon: PG 13. Need I say more? When you suppress the sex drive, as we do in our puritanical-pretend-to-be-liberal culture, and as we have done to our sex-addicted president, you increase the risk of late night bombing runs on third world countries.

But wait. I can make a presidential case for this noise. Going back to the days of Camelot and Kennedy, there is a reverse correlation between presidential nooky and acts of overt warfare; i.e., the more likely it was that the president was getting it on a regular basis, the less likely he was to wage war. Marilyn Monroe wasn’t the only Hollywood star, or starlet, to be escorted up the back stairs by the Secret Service for late night meetings with Kennedy. And Jackie was a babe! Granted, he stared down Kruschev in the Cuban missile crisis, but JFK got in the way of the Bay of Pigs Invasion–a sin that was never forgiven, according to some military experts. And he wanted to withdraw, not build up troops, from South Vietnam. Which sounds to me like JFK, being the good Catholic that he was, practiced coitus interuptus in all his affairs.

Moving on to LBJ, one look at old Lady Bird tells you that he wasn’t getting any at home. Of course, it’s rumored that Lyndon liked to occasionally dip his johnson into nasty black Houston ‘ho’s, especially if they were drug addicted. Doing all he could for the Great Society and the War on Poverty. But obviously that wasn’t nearly enough to satisfy, as LBJ ordered half a million troops into Vietnam. Then there’s Nixon. And Pat Nixon, his drug addicted wife. You know he wasn’t getting any. And so the war raged on until Nixon was threatened with impeachment. Gerald Ford. Golfer. Sixteen months in office. Who knows, who cares. Jimmy Carter confessed to Penthouse magazine that he sinned. . . in his mind. And Rosalyn, with those big, juicy lips and Southern Comfort baby blue eyes, well, you know Jimmy was getting it. Aside from deploying the Trident submarine–the single most deadly weapon ever known to man(kind?)–he stayed out of any skirmishes. Sure, he tried to rescue those poor hostages, but overall, a pretty peace loving, happy-to-be-fucking-his-wife-and-sinning-in-his-mind kind of president.

Reagan. Nancy. . . makes me think about bombing Russia for the hell of it, too. Largest build-up of weapons in peacetime known to man. Grenada: invade an island to rescue some American students who could have left on a plane anytime they wanted to. Covert supply of military aid to dictatorships in Central America. But Rap Master Ronnie didn’t really need to act out because, well, at his age, sex was probably all in his mind anyway.

Which brings us to George Bush. And Barbara Bush, who looked like his mother, for Chris’sakes. Besides, I think Bush was gay and had to fly to Panama to get it on with young boys supplied by Noriega. And when Noriega stopped supplying the boys, because the CIA stopped selling his coke, George took care of the problem. Big time. But the invasion of Panama wasn’t enough to satisfy Bush’s suppressed sexual urges. He needed a big, wide open desert country, with lots of visible targets to bomb, to satisfy his perverted lust. And so, around Christmas time, eight years ago, Bush unleashed his sexual terror upon the innocent Iraqi people. Noriega should have kept those boys coming.

Now Clinton. Can’t have Monica, or any other interns, as the noose tightens around his neck. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but in this case, it’s a Tomahawk cruise missile blasting off the deck of a destroyer to give Bill Clinton the climax he so desperately needs.

Representative Gerald Soloman said, “Never underestimate a desperate president.”

Desperate for sex starved president in the throes of withdrawal. Clinton came all over Baghdad. Blowjobs/bombs. Bill exploded in Saddam’s dictator mouth. Now Saddam Hussein has the burnt acrid taste of Clinton’s girl trouble.

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