Trap; VCA; Dir., Veronica Hart; Stars: Nikita, Vicca, Christi
Lake, Nina Hartley...
in the future, a mad scientist, Nina Hartley, has created
a pair of sexotic robots--Nikita
and Vicca. Naturally, the scientist's sidekick is called
upon to give the robots mouth and hands-on sucking and fucking
experience before the duo can be introduced into espionage.
Guys, if you should see a beautiful babe who suddenly, mindlessly
wants to suck your sexless dick, beware! She could be a
programmed agent of the secret government. That would be
my first thought, before she started sucking and I stopped
thinking. The doctor comments, to anyone listening, "This
is so incredibly lifelike," as the robot whores fellate
him; I can relate.
Which springs to mind my sci-fi screenplay. In the future,
like tomorrow at 3:30 P.M., an elitist group will have command
chips planted in their brains corresponding to a slave class
who have receptor chips. (What? No dip with those chips?)
So, when a member of the ruling class meets a slave girl
(or boy), all he has to do is think: 'I want you to take
off your clothes now.' The signal is transmitted to her
receptor chip and she automatically obeys. What's even better,
she has no memories of her actions when her receptor chip
is activated. Screen memories are implanted, via virtual
reality, after the slave has performed her tasks for the
ruling elite. The heroine of my screenplay accidentally
uncovers the truth when she tries to kill herself by sticking
her head in the microwave--thus causing the receptor chip
to malfunction. The microwave energy tweaks her chip so
she can tell when there's incoming commands, but is left
with free will. She continues to masquerade as a slave (called
"buckets" by the ruling elite) until she discovers a way
to override all receptor chips with analog transmissions
in the ultra low frequency band--undetected by the ruling
elite. Then, she and her computer geek boyfriend devise
a way to jam their masters' command chips with meaningless
information, till their rulers are wetbrained retards who
can't even control
their bodily functions. It's called "Analog."
to the exciting VCA release, Booby Trap: There's
a funny scene where Nikita (or maybe it was Vicca; can't
tell the difference between those robot whores) gives a
spy in a trench coat a blowjob while he's seated at a classy
bar. It's just like this new nightclub downtown, except
they have midgets who perform the fellatio there while you
nurse your drink. Anyhow, as the spy is about to come, he
calmly turns to the bartender and requests a napkin. Robot
whores don't swallow. Overall, mildly entertaining campy
feature. And Nina Hartley is still fucking in front of the
camera at forty plus. Expect this one to show up on your
adult cable menu. With eight sex scenes and a cameo by director
Veronica Hart, you couldn't say you didn't get your moneysworth.
Sin City; Dir., Michael Raven; Stars: Linda Thoren, Jessica
Drake, Jennifer Raven April; Original Music: Transgenden
Thoren has the smoothest, creamiest white bald pussy I've
seen in awhile. You gotta lick it. And in the first scene,
her big, bald headed black daddy does. She then attempts
to take as much of his 11 inches as the laws of physics
allow--only about four inches. Nice try but no cigar, Linda.
Lovelace you are not. Oh well. Thoren's so white, she almost
looks pink--like a little platinum haired Easter Bunny eating
chocolate. They go onto fuck in various cowgirl positions--her
yelps, in voiceover, are the only distraction. Fleshtones
becomes mono (tonous) tones thereafter. Although there's
a great looking bike used to fuck on in scene three. The
slovenly, bruised-up, white trash looking whore in scene
five is so gross, I suggest you bail after scene three.
The credits say she's Jennifer Raven April--related to director
Michael Raven? Can't think of any other reason why her ugly
ass would find its way into this video.
Dreams 4; Nasty Pixx; Dir., Jon Yuma; Stars: Chloe*, Johnni
Black*, Coral Sandy, Tabitha Stevens, James Bonn*, Michael
J. Cox* (*connotes '99 AVN Award winner)
a series of storyline vignettes, this Jon Yuma video features
four winners from this years AVN Awards:
Chloe, James Bonn, Johnni Black and Michael J. Cox. Steve
Hatcher and Chloe start things off looking appropriately
twitchy as survivors of a post millennium apocalypse. Chloe's
been saving up her condoms for this rainy day with Steve,
who rips his Levis (tm) open so Chloe can suck. I just hope
all girls will be wearing boots, black stockings and mesh
minis after the fall of civilization; and I've got a spare
condom. Steve's dick is the only thing that can shut-up
Chloe's toilet mouth--ala the queen of dirty talk, Jeanna
Fine. Old condoms or not, they put 'em to good use. Chloe,
displaying a labia piercing I haven't seen before, comes
more times than I can count on one hand--the other hand
busy... writing, you retard. Either that, or she really
does deserve AVN's best actress award. I imagine
Chloe coming home from a hard day's work; her boyfriend
asks, 'How was your day?' And Chloe says, 'God, I'm exhausted.
I must have come about five or six times.' After the first
scene, Wet Dreams 4 slides downhill. It's a hard
act to follow Chloe--the hottest star in porno today. How
hot is she, rex? She's so hot, you can light your cigarette
just standing next to her. Which is why that pussy editor
took the job of interviewing her away from me. No matter.
He can have his little take-no-chances and round-the-bases
story. I've got all the talent.
Danube; Filmco; Dir., Stuart Canterbury; Stars: Melissa
Hill, Sydnee Steele, Genevieve, Olga Stone
love listening to Eastern European actors speak in badly
broken English. I fly through scene one and land in the
"GeneratioNext" disco (complete with Pepsi (tm) logo). Deja
Vu. I was just here reviewing the Filmco release, The
Clinic, also directed by Stuart Canterbury, two months
ago. I get it. Stuart made two movies at the same time--common
low budget, no budget tactic reinvented by Roger Corman.
Really bad early '80s disco music underscores knob bobbin'
at GeneratioNext. A guy in a gold chain, and nothing else,
looks straight outa Boogie Nights. Except he really
is hung like legendary Johnny Wadd--the real porn model
for the Dirk Diggler character in BN. I have no idea
what Blue Danube is about and neither does the director.
Obviously, it was shot as the B movie afterbirth to The
Clinic. For some reason I can't fathom, the publisher
liked this one. My advice: don't go near the Blue Danube.
I hear it's polluted these days with the run-off from other