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April 2000 Columns
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Pornos for Primates - adult movie review by Rex Breathes

RexBooby Trap; VCA; Dir., Veronica Hart; Stars: Nikita, Vicca, Christi Lake, Nina Hartley...

Somewhere in the future, a mad scientist, Nina Hartley, has created a pair of sexotic Booby Traprobots--Nikita and Vicca. Naturally, the scientist's sidekick is called upon to give the robots mouth and hands-on sucking and fucking experience before the duo can be introduced into espionage. Guys, if you should see a beautiful babe who suddenly, mindlessly wants to suck your sexless dick, beware! She could be a programmed agent of the secret government. That would be my first thought, before she started sucking and I stopped thinking. The doctor comments, to anyone listening, "This is so incredibly lifelike," as the robot whores fellate him; I can relate.

'Robot whores don't swallow.'

Which springs to mind my sci-fi screenplay. In the future, like tomorrow at 3:30 P.M., an elitist group will have command chips planted in their brains corresponding to a slave class who have receptor chips. (What? No dip with those chips?) So, when a member of the ruling class meets a slave girl (or boy), all he has to do is think: 'I want you to take off your clothes now.' The signal is transmitted to her receptor chip and she automatically obeys. What's even better, she has no memories of her actions when her receptor chip is activated. Screen memories are implanted, via virtual reality, after the slave has performed her tasks for the ruling elite. The heroine of my screenplay accidentally uncovers the truth when she tries to kill herself by sticking her head in the microwave--thus causing the receptor chip to malfunction. The microwave energy tweaks her chip so she can tell when there's incoming commands, but is left with free will. She continues to masquerade as a slave (called "buckets" by the ruling elite) until she discovers a way to override all receptor chips with analog transmissions in the ultra low frequency band--undetected by the ruling elite. Then, she and her computer geek boyfriend devise a way to jam their masters' command chips with meaningless information, till their rulers are wetbrained retards who can't even control their bodily functions. It's called "Analog."

Back to the exciting VCA release, Booby Trap: There's a funny scene where Nikita (or maybe it was Vicca; can't tell the difference between those robot whores) gives a spy in a trench coat a blowjob while he's seated at a classy bar. It's just like this new nightclub downtown, except they have midgets who perform the fellatio there while you nurse your drink. Anyhow, as the spy is about to come, he calmly turns to the bartender and requests a napkin. Robot whores don't swallow. Overall, mildly entertaining campy feature. And Nina Hartley is still fucking in front of the camera at forty plus. Expect this one to show up on your adult cable menu. With eight sex scenes and a cameo by director Veronica Hart, you couldn't say you didn't get your moneysworth.

FleshtonesFleshtones; Sin City; Dir., Michael Raven; Stars: Linda Thoren, Jessica Drake, Jennifer Raven April; Original Music: Transgenden

Linda Thoren has the smoothest, creamiest white bald pussy I've seen in awhile. You gotta lick it. And in the first scene, her big, bald headed black daddy does. She then attempts to take as much of his 11 inches as the laws of physics allow--only about four inches. Nice try but no cigar, Linda. Lovelace you are not. Oh well. Thoren's so white, she almost looks pink--like a little platinum haired Easter Bunny eating chocolate. They go onto fuck in various cowgirl positions--her yelps, in voiceover, are the only distraction. Fleshtones becomes mono (tonous) tones thereafter. Although there's a great looking bike used to fuck on in scene three. The slovenly, bruised-up, white trash looking whore in scene five is so gross, I suggest you bail after scene three. The credits say she's Jennifer Raven April--related to director Michael Raven? Can't think of any other reason why her ugly ass would find its way into this video.

Wet Dreams 4; Nasty Pixx; Dir., Jon Yuma; Stars: Chloe*, Johnni Black*, Coral Sandy, Tabitha Stevens, James Bonn*, Michael J. Cox* (*connotes '99 AVN Award winner)

In a series of storyline vignettes, this Jon Yuma video features four winners from this years AVN Awards: Chloe, James Bonn, Johnni Black and Michael J. Cox. Steve Hatcher and Chloe start things off looking appropriately twitchy as survivors of a post millennium apocalypse. Chloe's been saving up her condoms for this rainy day with Steve, who rips his Levis (tm) open so Chloe can suck. I just hope all girls will be wearing boots, black stockings and mesh minis after the fall of civilization; and I've got a spare condom. Steve's dick is the only thing that can shut-up Chloe's toilet mouth--ala the queen of dirty talk, Jeanna Fine. Old condoms or not, they put 'em to good use. Chloe, displaying a labia piercing I haven't seen before, comes more times than I can count on one hand--the other hand busy... writing, you retard. Either that, or she really does deserve AVN's best actress award. I imagine Chloe coming home from a hard day's work; her boyfriend asks, 'How was your day?' And Chloe says, 'God, I'm exhausted. I must have come about five or six times.' After the first scene, Wet Dreams 4 slides downhill. It's a hard act to follow Chloe--the hottest star in porno today. How hot is she, rex? She's so hot, you can light your cigarette just standing next to her. Which is why that pussy editor took the job of interviewing her away from me. No matter. He can have his little take-no-chances and round-the-bases story. I've got all the talent.

Blue DanubeBlue Danube; Filmco; Dir., Stuart Canterbury; Stars: Melissa Hill, Sydnee Steele, Genevieve, Olga Stone

I love listening to Eastern European actors speak in badly broken English. I fly through scene one and land in the "GeneratioNext" disco (complete with Pepsi (tm) logo). Deja Vu. I was just here reviewing the Filmco release, The Clinic, also directed by Stuart Canterbury, two months ago. I get it. Stuart made two movies at the same time--common low budget, no budget tactic reinvented by Roger Corman. Really bad early '80s disco music underscores knob bobbin' at GeneratioNext. A guy in a gold chain, and nothing else, looks straight outa Boogie Nights. Except he really is hung like legendary Johnny Wadd--the real porn model for the Dirk Diggler character in BN. I have no idea what Blue Danube is about and neither does the director. Obviously, it was shot as the B movie afterbirth to The Clinic. For some reason I can't fathom, the publisher liked this one. My advice: don't go near the Blue Danube. I hear it's polluted these days with the run-off from other dirty movies.


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from Rex Breathes


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