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xmag.com : Sept 2000 : Carnal Knowledge

FrankCarnal Knowledgeby Frank Faillace' [fuh-lah-chay]
Email: ffaillace@webtv.net

 
All my life I've been known as a smartass. A smartass kid... A smartass little shit... A smartass jerk... A smartass fuck... The subsequent words may change, but the general idea has always been the same. But being a notorious smartass isn't easy. First of all, as the name suggests, it helps to be smart. The smarter the better, and well, hey... I'm pretty smart.
 
Now, I find that nothing turns me on more than a smartass girl. Except maybe a smartass, bare-assed girl.
 
Speaking of which, we have Holly, "Miss Nude Oregon 2000," on our cover this month. We had the future ex-"Miss Nude Oregon 2000," Kitty, on our cover back in January.
 
Which brings me to this whole "Miss Nude Oregon" thing... Y'know... First this girl is "Miss Nude Oregon 2000." Then that girl is "Miss Nude Oregon 2000." But then yet another girl should have been "Miss Nude Oregon 2000." No, wait, she's "Miss Nude Gentlemen's Club 2000." No, she's now "Miss SXFPX 2000"... Oh, wait it's only the third round robin semi-final elimination round... It's all beyond me, and rather confusing anyway you look at it.
 
Whether it be a litigated and confused "Miss Nude Oregon" pageant, or a seemingly neverending "British Kirby Vacuum Sales Gimmick"--er, I mean the "Miss SXFPX 2000" series of fraudulent contests, I just can't keep any of it straight anymore.
 
And then, there's always our own old standby the "Miss Exotica" awards. (We do it a bit unconventionally: We don't make money off it and we have the contest at different places and times and only once a year). "Miss Exotica 2001" will be decided later this year at a yet-to-be-disclosed location. We'll wait till the dust settles and all the other crap is long forgotten...
 
Of course there are the wide open titles yet to be awarded: The obvious "Miss Nude Portland 2000." There's the somewhat obscure, yet workable "Miss Naked Multnomah County 2000." The eloquent "Miss Non-Clothed Tri-County 2000." And of course, the backwoods favorite, "Miss Bare-Assed Nekkid Beaver State 2000," (I think Odell from Rooster's should sponsor that one).
 
I personally am going to sponsor the "Miss Smartass Great-ass Bare-ass" Contest, and I hereby proclaim that Ariel is the winner for 2000 (see related photo and caption in Erotic City, page 24).
 
On the net you can see further related stories at www.stupidbutt.com, www.smartasslittlebitch.com as well as our website, www.xmag.com.

 

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