Girl Trouble by Rex Breathes


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Let’s face it: bad girls are in. Always have been. Make believe bad, tragic bad, rumored bad or just plain bad. Mae West, Marlene Dietrich, Jayne Mansfield, Carol Baker and the recent crop that’s kept me titillated over the course of the last year, or two. Let’s not get technical at a whimsical time like this. (Editor’s Note: This column is for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to your personal “issues, agendas and axes-to-grind” is purely in your mind.) On with the party.

10. Neve Campbell. Not in Party of Five, of course. And not in the Canadian actress’s real life. But in the goofy, Gen X suspense film, Wild Things, she’s beautiful, twisted. She’s on drugs, she’s bisexual, she’s trailer trash, she’s a convicted felon who’s done time and she has a genius IQ. Sweeter than cherry pie when she wants to be, then she cuts you down to size. And she’s not afraid to look really stupid in a cheap blonde wig whilst quoting Shakespeare, or some literary nonsense, near the end of the flick. Plus, she sails! Forget Scream. In Wild Things, Neve Campbell has the facial tics and mannerisms down pat of Gen X female succubi I have tragically succumbed too. And lived to write this bad column. Too real. And when Neve says, “What if I was getting fucked in the ass,” to bad cop Kevin Bacon, I nearly got wood.

9. Calista Flockhart. Ally McBeal. Easy for her to say no to all the questions about being anorexic. No one’s asking the right question. She’s probably bulimic. That girl doesn’t get that body, and get to keep it, by keeping her milk and cookies down. Bulimia is nothing new. There were vomitoriums back in the days of Rome. Eat, go throw up, come back to the table, eat some more. Just like Thanksgiving. Of course, the vomitoriums were a social, en masse binging and purging. Today, we all sit glued to our TVs, stuffing our faces, watching the elfish (euphemism for childlike) figure of Flockhart, wondering, ‘My God; does she have an eating disorder?’ as we tear open another bag of Milano cookies and vow to go on a diet after the holidays. Yeah, she’s a 98 pound, flat chested spinner that I have no bones about watching (and all the primetime TV Flockhart wanna-bes). Does she throw up? Her problem. Think I’ll go to the fridge now.

8. Linda Stangel. I know; you probably can’t remember. I think she was sentenced about a year ago for pushing her boyfriend, Dave (who I used to hang out with), off a cliff–a three hundred foot drop to the rocks below on the Oregon coast. Then, she just sat there and chain-smoked cigarettes till his body (of evidence) was washed out to sea. Went back to Portland and told everyone he just wandered off from the car and never came back. He came back, alright. His head was washed up in Washington and his body got spit up in Oregon. Irony of ironies, Dave worked as a waiter for the Red Lobster for years. Linda looks a little bit like this girlfriend I lived with back when I knew Dave. That blunt hair cut, cruel mouth, tall, strong athletic body. Not real pretty, but you know she could fuck you dead. What kind of woman has it in her to just push you off of a cliff in the heat of an argument? Like, the switch is broken. Capable of anything. Why, I’m tempted to start writing her while she’s in prison for manslaughter. Bet Linda’s lonely. Could use a friend. Maybe old Rex doesn’t want to get much older, so. . .

7. Courtney Love. I know, we all love to hate her and watch her, voyeuristically, while waiting for her to fall. She released a white wash autobiography this year, The Real Story, to offset suggestions in the Nick Broomfield movie, Kurt and Courtney, that maybe she conspired to kill Kurt. Well, did she? Rozz Rezabek Wright (interviewed in the June Exotic), who was stalked by her and the object of her obsession back in her formative years, seems to think she’s capable of anything. “She’s a monster,” he said in my interview with him. “You take Charlie Manson and you dress it up. Teach it how to walk, how to talk; it’s still Charles Manson!” Be all that as it fucking may, according to Rozz, Courtney is a chameleon willing and capable of becoming whatever you desire....if you’ve got something she wants from you. Kurt needed a mommy, and Courtney became his Mommy Dearest. With those big, cocksucker lips and baby blues and the best body and face money can buy, plus a near genius con man’s mind that’s all sick and twisted... Imagine: Courtney Love willing to go to any length to get you off(ed) because you have something she wants . . .

6. Gillian Anderson. Shaved pussy pictures on the net. Haven’t seen them, yet. No matter. Classic Norwegian Beauty Queen. She could melt the Antarctica ice cap, or freeze your balls off with one look. She whines and bitches about David Duchovny getting paid more per episode, or being promoted more than her by Fox. She’s jealous of Duchovny’s wife, Tea Leoni; shuns her on the set, while bickering with David and everyone else because Duchovny has half her talent but gets by, effortlessly, on his undefinable star quality. Plus, Anderson ruined her happy marriage by having a fling with a bad boy stunt man. And I just plain like her. Lots. Short. Tough. Vain. Egotistical. Talent to back it up. Prideful. Controlled. Impulsive. Older than her thirty years. Complicated. The fight, kiss and make-up with her would be worth the price of admission: your mind.

5. Pamela Anderson. Just kidding. But she does have a very nice, smooth pussy in the Pam and Tommy Tape. And that smooth pussy drives some men crazy. Poor Tommy. Victim of a giant publicity machine. (Kidding. There’s nothing funny about men battering women and the turd bandit Tommy should be in jail.)

4. Elizabeth Taylor. You laugh. She’s old enough to be your mother. So? You gotta problem with that? She’s a survivor. And she’s got one come-back left in her before she goes to the big movie in the sky. Courtney Love couldn’t live through Liz’s life with all the pharmaceuticals in the world. Liz has lived through cancer, alcoholism, drug addiction, the tragic deaths of her best friends and husbands, umpteen bad marriages including the last one to a carpenter, or something, she met in an AA meeting. Liz is probably the only woman that Rock Hudson ever got hard for. The Queen of Hollywood Babylon. A living icon. Someone better get her story, the real story, before she dies. Imagine the pillow talk. Liz could probably make your dick stand-up with one look. Fucking the whole sordid history of Hollywood excess. “National Velvet.” That’s what we should call her pussy.

3. Princess Diana. Because she’s dead. She died tragically. And what the fuck was she really doing on that fateful, Parisian night? She had the courage to leave that impotent freak show, Charles, and keep the crown. Gorgeous legs. Sweet and innocent eyes and face. Compassion for the disadvantaged. Regal. Trashy. Tragic. Dead. What more could you want?

2. Naomi Campbell. Rumored to be drug addicted. Abusive. Completely superficial. Owns an international supermodel nightclub chain called Fashion Cafe with Claudia Schiffer, Elle MacPherson and Christy Turlington. Highly intelligent. Grossly manipulative. Only 27. And so fucking beautiful, it hurts to look at her. No one should be allowed to have that face and that body and get away with it. She is the obscenity of vain beauty. If the antichrist picks her to carry its message, we are all doomed. I would pay to lick dog shit off the spiked heel of her $400 Italian pumps. And come in my pants if Naomi looked me in the eye while I did it.

1. Shirley Manson. As the nadir of the new wave of tough chic(k) dark pop. She stashes her new hubby, house and dog in Edinburgh, then skips across the pond to hobnob with the MTV crowd and make a bazillion dollars whilst kissing all the right ass . . . and pretends to be bad. She hated the way she looked as a teenager. How tragic and unique can you get? Bad girl dark pop by numbers. Hooks up with Nirvana producer, Butch Vig, and a couple of Nine Inch Nails remix vets and sails to the top on a melody she borrowed from Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys, for Chris’sakes (“Push It”). But when Shirley goes out of her way to fawn all over Courtney Love, defending her Versace gowns and calling her the most amazing talent in the last few decades, I want to vomit. Just because Courtney Love controls the big three music mouthpieces (Spin, MTV and Rolling Stone) doesn’t mean you have to suck her “Hole,” Shirley. Unless, of course, you want guaranteed rotation and top press for your quadruple platinum, five international hit singles album. What’s wrong with the safe, predictable prophylactic coated nineties is that an alcoholic poseur like Manson sits atop the dung heap like a corporate theme park. Dark Disney World. And that’s too bad for all of us rebels without a cause.

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