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'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, except for that louse.
He hadn’t been home in two days and what’s more
He came home wasted and looking to score.
I pulled on my boots, my spirits low–
Tho’ the leather shone like the crest on the new fallen snow.
I wasn’t coming back to this dump anymore so
I got my fox-trimmed coat and headed for the door.
The pouring rain chilled my veins–
That vainglorious weasel was such a fucking pain!!
But no sooner had I left my home
Than I realized I’d forgot Miss Simone Ramone!!
A Siamese was she and an Aquarian to boot.
I couldn’t live without this most precious loot!!
So back in the door I ran, my heart a-flutter,
That furball to fetch, but I tripped on some clutter.
Thank goodness that cad was in bed by now,
And to my relief I heard a tiny “Meow!”
It was, however, rather distant and muffled,
So to the base of the fireplace I shuffled.
“Me-e-e-ow-ow-ooow!!” echoed down the chamber.
That rascal was on the roof and in danger!!
I scratched my head in consternation
Then opened some scotch for some strengthening libation.
Then up on the roof in the rain I did clatter,
Straining my eyes to see what was the matter.
When who through my glistening green eyes should appear to me
But Mr. Andre Williams of 1998’s best album “Silky!!”
Miss Simone was so scared by the reindeer and raindrops
That for a second I thought about calling the cops!
But the law is no use, of this I am sure of,
Even if the guv of my homestate’s Jesse “the Body” Ventura!
But it’s Christmas and all so I say to Andre,
“Hey! Come inside for a little Tanqueray!”
Inside on the couch we swapped war stories.
Most of his had to do with The Gories.
He moaned he had hoped to spend the winter in an Italian villa.
I said I wanted one night with each member of Zen Guerrilla.
For down and dirty Rock’n’Roll Mr. Williams had an unquenchable thirst.
“Try The Licks,” I said, “on December 4th, 19th, 20th, and 31st!!”
At this point my thoughts turned to myself...
I could see that lump in his bag–Give me my sugar, you wicked elf!
Andre could see that I was distracted
And that my waiting could no longer be protracted.
“What, Mr. Rhythm, have you brought for me?”
And from his bag he pulled a pink Gibson SG!!
For me?! For me?! I absolutely swooned,
Then prostrated myself and cooed, “Andre, take me to the moon!”
“Not yet my lass, for there’s more...”
He then unveiled the entire Gaunt catalog–Score!!
I knew I’d been good but I didn’t know how...
“Mr. Rhythm,” I purred, “Come and make me Meow!”
....and when all that was through,
The guy made my wildest dreams come true!
“Viva, doll,” he said, “Your cover of Sweet Leaf rules!”
Then he gave me backstage passes to Black Sabbath plus tickets! Two!!
Yet still, gentle readers, that was not the end,
Andre Williams gave me a brand new boyfriend!!

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