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DEVIL’S DESIGN
Tornado is the new hot series of German ultra porn renting like hotcakes out of Taboo Video. In Germany, the fall of Rome happened in ‘45. They are a conquered people. And so it is their duty to corrupt the porno world with the most degrading excess: fisting and pissing, who cares. In the diabolical opening scene, a woman squats over a plexiglass window built into the floor of some office. Below, in de-basement, there’s a twisted threesome featuring a guy wearing a dildo mask. The blonde sucks his dick face while the brunette sucks his cock. Lots of latex and leather galore. Apparently, music in Germany was frozen in time with the fall of The Wall; the soundtrack reminds me of ‘80’s aerobicize with Kathy Smith. So the blonde, kneeling on the plexiglass window to de-basement, fellates her forty-something, grease ball boss. His aged meat is too wide for her young mouth, but she takes him in her fat ass with ease . . . as we aerobicize. Did I fail to mention the guy in de-basement is all gussied up in a red latex dress with black latex stockings? Pig Boss comes on the plexiglass window and his little whore licks it up; shot from below. Next, a woman takes a cock up her ass with a head the size of a medium tomato. Vine ripened red . . . mouth, black orgasm. But that’s not enough for this Nazi Whore, so the brunette fists her at the same time. Talk about a two car garage, I wouldn’t be surprised if she had Hitler’s brain up there, too. Devil’s Design goes on and on like this. But when two hands start to disappear up inside a woman’s ass (looks like her ass is giving birth to an arm), that’s when it’s time for Rex to go. Fuckin’ Nazis. If these Toronado videos don’t trigger screened memories of Satanic Mind Control rituals, nothing will. My alter starts thinking about robotic assassinations of social leaders just writing about it. Artless depravity at its lowest. Feed the hole.
TALES OF PERVERSITY 3
Detecting a theme here? Perversity starts out with a tight, tiny blonde in cowboy boots getting Marc Walliced in a 3-way with Aja . . . must be a Steely Dan fan. Wallice provides the reliable, aged meat for this sandwich. But perverse? This is utter child’s play compared to the Nazi Deviants practicing their perversions since 1934. Wallice breaks the tiny blonde’s butthole cherry. But the gallantry is all hers. I suppose the painful and not exactly willing look on her face could pass for perversion in a pinch. I’ve never seen this Perversity series before. Now I know what I haven’t been missing. So a little brunette missy goes to the gym in her white cotton spandex and gives her trainer head. Just like my gym. Only completely fuckin’ different. The trainer trades his dumbbells for a dumb belle. If she was a smart belle, she’d just tease him and lead him on, getting all the free training sessions she could without ever doing squat. What’s perverse is his dumb luck. So unless you have a Nike fetish . . . swoosh. Seeing no perversion coming my way, I wisely moved on. (Eds. note: In the interest of porno primate science, rex guarantees that he fast forwards through every inch of tapes reviewed, searching for a juicy “Lucy”–the missing link between man and ape shit.)
PSYCHOSEXUALS 2
A series of freaky outtakes gives way to a woman coming home to her apartment #76 (adds up to 13; ooh, scary). She does a slow strip for the gonzo camera as the scene is cut-up and reassembled without regard to real time, story or anything linear. Nice touch. The men are virtually faceless: one’s old and gross–like a sleazy neighbor– the other’s young and hung with balls hangin’ down to his knees.Towards the end of this scene, the sleazy older guy stretches his used condom over her feet and fucks her latex toes with his waning penis. This after she has sucked all the come out of his condom and given the cute guy her devil’s kiss (rim job). Director Dark is dark indeed. Still, he has decades of depravity to go to catch up with those fuckin’ Nazi whore mongers from hell. Dark tends towards beefy, big-assed, dirty blondes in Psychosexuals 2. Granted, bony is better, but I wouldn’t mind so much if they were giving better face. The freaky edits slow down as we settle into the nasty zone: I’m a dirty whore that will do anything for dick. So, out comes the Nutella, dripped on the head of his big bad bone, and the meal cocksucking begins. Sweet. Jello and whip cream, smeared on her body, serve as the appeteaser for fucking. Good thing they’re out in the kitchen. It gets messy. She’s one of those heavy panters, hyperventilating kind of whores that sound like a squeaky old bed. Still, this is nothing to rival the sons and daughters of Nazi war criminals’ perversion. Even with Nutella–imported from Germany. I give up . . . searching for perversion and depravity. Too gross, too lame. Too stupid, too same old same. Now for a thoughtful email rex received in the mail. As some of you may know, I have hung it all out there on the world wide web. Online, my column picture is down to my naked knees. And I received a response to that picture from a highly intelligent woman who works in adult films as a publicist. Who shall remain anonymous. She writes: Um, is that you/ You’re kinda hung. . . Not to rip on your nakedness, but penises (penisi?) are meant to be touched and not viewed. And that goes double for nutsacks. Why do you think girls like to have sex in the dark? So, in the interest of science, I’d like to ask any women reading this column out there: is that why women like to have sex in the dark? And, is it true, for you, the penis should be felt and not seen? Email me: rexbreathes@hotmail.com. We men realize we know only a little. That the penis will always be more important to the man than the woman. What if men didn’t have the corresponding body part? We could only give cunnilingus. Our balls were buried in our sinuses. Ejaculate spewed from our mouths. Would that be better? Worse? You tell me. Any response may be used for publication next month. Think I’ll go jack in front of a mirror now.
Thanks to Taboo Video; I couldn’t have done her w/o you. |