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May 2000 Columns
xmag.com : May 2000 : Pornos for Primates

Pornos for Primates - adult movie review by Rex Breathes

RexWhite Lightning; VCA; Dir., Veronica Hart; Stars: Ginger Lynn, Chloe, Kylie Ireland, Nina Hartley, Anita Cannibal, Michael J. Cox, Billy Glide

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Ginger Lynn has good girl sex with her cop husband before he goes to work. Once again, he leaves her high and dry—lounging on white linen in the morning sun. On top of that, he’s meeting bad girl, Chloe, for afterwork handjobs under linen at a strip club. No one notices whitelightningChloe mount his naughty nightstick; talk about table dances. Like a down and dirty Dallas, White Lightning introduces the sleazy characters one by one. VCA likes these adult soap features, like the Ginger Lynn comeback, Torn. Except this time, the direction is not camp or satire but serious.

Chloe turns drool boyfriend, Micky G., into an anal-linguist. Chloe screams, “Make me come, you fuck!” as Micky gets to fuck her with his little cock. Chloe wipes his splooge off her ass with a towel, dons her leather dress and tells him she fakes it seven out of ten times before she walks out the door. She’s upset because he won’t kill for her. So, poor, pathetic, pussy-whipped Micky must go out and kill for more of her pussy.

Back at the strip club, Chloe’s blowing the detective while her boyfriend watches—getting up the motivation to kill for her. For a guy with a little dick, Micky G. gets around as he breaks into his ex-girlfriend’s house so he can have sex with her—but only for revenges' sake.

'Another Leviathan cock steps in to give her more meaty lines to work with.'

Like samurai storytelling, Lightning is told from the perspective of all major characters. Ambitious, for porn. Although it’s a major VCA release, Lightning flashes like an indie adult feature. A for effort. Couples will be pleased. Watch out for Ginger Lynn masturbating for her therapuss, Nina Hartley, near the end. Super porn icon lightning.

Voyeur 16; John Leslie Productions; Dir., John Leslie; Stars: Linda Thoren, Deborah Valentine, Mark Davis, Jake Steed

The premise for this long-running series is a pervy guy loping around back alleys and barrooms catching whores having sex with horny hung guys. The jerky camera, oddball angles and spontaneous action doesn’t convince me that the camera is catching cunt unawares. Thoren throats Mark Davis, giving it up so she can get a job acting, or something. Another Leviathan cock steps in to give her more meaty lines to work with, building to the inevitable climax. This drama queen’s too easy.

Cut to the car lot, where a couple opens the hood of a showroom model as an aphrodisiac. Crash, this is not. The cars and custom wheels are window dressing on another straight, wordless fuck scene. Although i wouldn’t mind shopping for a car—or anything else—that way. Stick to John Leslie’s Fresh Meat series. Voyeur’s getting stale.

Fresh Meat 8; John Leslie Productions; Dir., John Leslie; Stars: Jazmine, Kitty, Chaterina

Nasty Eurotrash whores in PVC walk around a factory where workers mindlessly beat-off to the din of machinery. The whores kneel and suck while the workers read their mags on break. Pistons pummel remaining holes. Euro grunting. Cut to the sunny chateau. Girl in sunglasses fantasizes about all things anal. DP: We’re on the move. Imaginary guys manage to come on her face without getting a drop on her shades. A blonde gets ready on the bidet while a redhead kneels on the bathroom floor and takes it. Lots of nice furniture to fuck on. Feel like I need my shades, squinting at the bare-sunlight-streaming-in-through-the-windows-sex. I much preferred Fresh Meat 7: dark, moody surreal. Come to think of it, Fresh Meat 8 looks suspiciously like a tired voyeur. Or, maybe that’s just me.

clubPrivate Video Deluxe; The Club; Dir., Frank Thring; Stars: Meridian, Martina Mercedes, Frank Gun

Feeling like the only way is down (under), I pick up the Aussie Private vid release and stick it in to me. Videodrome. Anyhow, I thought The Club was a device to deter car thieves. Apparently, it’s also the latest Frank Thring thing shot in pervy Prague. Hold the Czech, please. Techno’s just catching on in the former Eastern Block as a guy gets butt fucked by his strap-on mistress. Ride, Sally ride. All the weird slo-mo edits are supposed to imitate Ecstasy—the drug, that is. But that double entendre’s not working for me, anymore than the double espresso I gulped two hours ago to make it through this java jungle. Director Thring must be going through his Andrew Blake phase. Nice cascade of blowjob facials, though, as The Club heats up long enough to make me stop writing . . .

After an hour of this slo-mo interruptus photography, I’m longing for the days of Nikita (Kruschev, that is) and Mafia controlled B&W porn. Donkeys, dildoes and death, baby. Mr. Thring should pay more attention to his actors and story, and less attention to his new digital editing bay. Okay? Thank God for the torn black pantyhose and SS style hats near the end; otherwise I couldn't have come . . . this far. In the end, The Club is like a bad front end alignment. Steal it if you must take it out for a joy ride.

sinPure Sin; Sin city; Dir., Nic Cramer; Stars: Linda Thoren, Bridgette Kerkove

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Linda Thoren, the new platinum slut on the block, masturbates a lot while watching pure sin vignettes—fed to her over the internet by some Machiavellian web king. Her trashy innocence is believable as she gets schooled in raunch by logging on. The internet is making good girls go bad. The only thing I don’t like about this set-up is: Thoren hasn’t sucked a single dick yet and I’m forty-five minutes into this thing. Finally, at 54 minutes into Sin, Thoren, wearing a red blindfold, sucks dick. Well, it’s about time. Her internet guide, who opened her eyes to see sin, now opens her cunt to his cock. Thoren’s now ready to graduate to being his little whore. Her sick mentor pimps her out to cigar smoking dot-com dickheads. Thoren, who’s been mute in the previous films I’ve seen her in, actually speaks in a dumb blonde euro accent. It almost jerks for me.

I imagine how this story of her character’s corruption mirrors her real life journey from some cheap Czech skin ghetto to $1000 a day meat puppet. Good for her. Thank God we fought the Cold War so girls can come here and fuck on film. Give me your tired whores, your yearning asses burning to fuck me. Fuck it; let’s plays some cards.

Thanks to All Night Rachel and her new bio-chemical regime.


More Pornos for Primates
from Rex Breathes


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