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August 2000 Columns
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Pornos for Primates - adult movie review by Rex Breathes

Rexpornos/1  8Decadence; Studio A; Dir., Andrew Blake; Stars: Anita Blond, Chelsea Blue, Sophie Evans, Zdenka; shot on film in Venice

Water sounds gently lapping on the shores of sheerest black nylon, tautly covering/revealing Anita Blond's pussy... gives in to elegant masturbation. Yes. This must be Blakeland. European lace. High fashion. No sleaze. But Blake has abandoned any semblance of script for a collage of vignettes, each filmed like a museum painting. There are no characters giving voice and emotion to this painted passion; one watches from afar. Pretty, even profound. But even a voyeur wants to feel more involved. The watcher wants to want... and ultimately be wanted, too. A cock escapes tight black pants and gets sucked in a stark black and white scene lacking triumph or conclusion. All the scenes have this timbre of shards picked up and pieced together. But nothing strings them together other than the director's intent... and that is never clear. A monkey at the digital editing bay could have spliced together the footage with as much meaning. Not to demean Blake's photography. His 35 mm lens holds the highest license for artfully filming the female form.

But Decadence looks no different than a trailer--a long advertisement for the coming of Blake. Has this filmmaker forgotten that his camera eye is not God, or what everyone paid to see, but a gifted and adept servant? The means, his camera, not only justifies but has become the end.

I'm reminded of a scene in The Player where the murdering producer laughs ironically, describing a future filmworld where we can just skip the creative process and all the messiness of writers and scripts and actors all together. But even though this producer has already killed a writer, he's still unwilling to murder the creative process. Well, Mr. Blake, did you forget sometimes we come to the movies to see ourselves reflected in the screen by placing your camera, your production, above all else? Blakesworld is too perfectly painted pretty too see anything other than Blake.

pornos/2  8The Devil In Miss Jones 5; VCA Platinum; Dir, Gregory Dark; Stars: Juli Ashton, Kelly O'Dell, Jeanna Fine, Rebecca Lords, Michael J. Coxx, Marc Wallice, Tom Byron, Jon Dough and a dozen others.

The devil wears a red jump suit, eats fried chicken and lectures us about how to "unfuck" the 19 year old Miss Jones. After 10 minutes I'm getting bored with the Carnival in Iowa atmosphere till the fire lady comes along, teasing her flesh with flames. Meanwhile, a couple of dirty old men in black suits, looking like Iowa conventioneers, watch and feel-up the woman between them who's dressed only in dimestore beads. The fire lady fellates a giant cock on a bed of cheap yellow boas and leopard print sheets. Not bad. I even like the 80s guitar rock under. But Miss Jones looks a few years beyond 19. No matter. This acid rock fuckage is a long way from Blakesworld.

Back to the idiotic ramblings of the devil in black bicycle gloves introducing scene 3: Some Greek Gods and Goddesses going gangbang on Miss Jones fails to deliver in the pillars of cock on Mt. Olympussy (my term, not the script's). Jeanna Fine fucks Miss Jones with a strap-on longer than the previous sentence. Later, a little girl (Miss Jones) watches mommy getting fucked by all the guys in the army on Christmas fucking furlough. Then more carnival lore as three prom queens fuck their captains in crude cages. Jon Dough and Tom Byron don hair pieces so they can fuck the serving wenches serving their cocks.

I hate to say this, but Gregory Dark, of the original New Wave Hookers fame, has lost his spark. The last scene nearly pulls it out with a throwback to the 70s orgy finale. And Miss Jones wakes up in hell... would be watching DMJ 5 more than once in a lifetime. What a waste of talent.

The Adventures of Peeman 2; Filmco; Dir., I.P. Freely; Stars: Sylvia Saint, Patricia, Allisa, Kara, Capt. Bob, Dick Nasty

The thing you have to realize is that The Adventures of Peeman 2 means there was a Peeman one. Amazing. We open with the gorgeous Sylvia Saint (what the fuck is she doing in this video?) peeing on the toilette as a prelude to having sex. I'm glad she got that out of the way. 80s soft jazz under and I wonder, where is this going? If you really want to find out, I'll give you this video and you can write the review. Which brings to mind this preview of coming attractions: Porn reviews by a Chinese Restaurant waitress. That's right, the everyday, thirty-something work-a-day female is going to throw her tips into this column... for thee!

Back to Peeman scene two, she stoops and pees after the fuckage--really mixing things up. Anyhow. I think you get the picture. Women need to go either before or after they have sex. At least it didn't take a team of monkeys, i.e. scientists, working around the clock on a million dollar grant to figure that one out.

pornos/3  8Sex Deluxe; Sin City; Dir., Nic Cramer; Stars: Sylvia Saint, Gina Lynn, Daniella Rush, Shanna McCollough, Lexington Steels, Herschel Savage

Just for the sake of continuity--what a concept--we follow Sylvia Saint from the bladder of Peeman to the big screen offering of Sex Deluxe... literally, as we open with a self-conscious Sylvia doing a strip tease in front of a movie screen while the men in the popcorn shadows watch and wait for her butter and salt and something oh-so-sweet to drink. Meanwhile, Gina Lynn is hooked up by the mad doctor (Herschell Savage) to some weird/wired hypno sexperiment. Back in the theatre, Sylvia gets down off the stage and into the folding seats where the penis proud patrons can stiff her. Beautiful shaved silky smooth pussy. She fucks one cock while others watch and jerk. Sylvia looks great on film when she gazes over at the camera with dick in her mouth. What more could you ask for? A dick in her tight ass. You got it.

"I've been down midnight country roads that weren't as long as his dick."

So the premise here is that Gina Lynn is seeing these trance-like scenes while the mad doctor probes her psyche. Tres 70s concept. Thoughtful execution. So the Black workman does the lost little girl dressed in white. Tennis anyone? His balls are that big. Watch out for the ebony cocksuck worship in this scene. When Dorothy sucks one that size, she must know she's not in Kansas anymore. And that's before she gets lifted up and carried away by his tornado fuck, up the ass; it's simply amazing the girl can even accommodate the half of it. I've been down midnight country roads that weren't as long as his dick.

Scene three: "Out in the rain getting wet," Gina describes her dream to the doctor. "I feel like I'm losing control... I feel too good." Reminds me of last night, out on the island. But we didn't have the cool electronica under... turns techno as a drenched Gina turns to suck cock. I like this fucking movie we're in. I think you should rent it; and I'm not just saying that to get back in good graces with Jeff Wosniak at Sin City. Because Gina's nipples are so hard, they look like fenceposts sticking up outta the mud. Bad boob job, though. God I love naturals. So, naturally I'm spent--run-out of space on this page. Except to say: When you actually write while watching porno, something strange happens to your brain. Off.


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