Portland Foursquare Church sent me a glossy postcard
mass-mailing today; Foursquare is that church with the
electronic billboard at the corner of Sandy and Burnside.
Maybe you were lucky enough to get one, too. It reads:
"Time is on my side--Mick Jagger...Or is it?" Scary
stuff, but Halloween is a couple of months away. Notice
the use of Mick Jagger as the Antichrist whispering
seductive lies. On the back, the mailer asks such erudite
questions as: "Is Hollywood giving you the real story
about the end of days?" Then there's the four sermons:
'The Rapture--will I be left behind? The Antichrist--will
I be deceived? Armageddon--will all hell break loose?
Heaven or Hell--will I go to heaven?"
a few days later, Rex got a very different kind of mailer
from some Christians who are, apparently, at least trying
to discharge some of their debt before the Rupture (sic)
comes. Given the fact that Christianity has been the
driving force behind western civilization for the last
leading to this shithole we call life, it's nice to
see these folks taking some responsibility with their
adult boutique, "Sex Toys For the Saved." This wonderful
glossy pamphlet (how in God's name did I get on their
mailing list?) was like a breath of fresh air, or a
feculent fart unleashed from the bowels of Satan himself,
depending on how you want to look at it. I looked at
all the pages and would like to share with you a sampling
of what "Sex Toys For the Saved" is selling.
the pamphlet advises that loving sex between
Christian partners does not have to mean boring sex!
(itals. theirs) What a relief. Then it goes on to
to state that "while adultery and coveting thy neighbor's
wife belong to the realm of Satan, we believe that
good sex between married partners is the next best
thing to heaven." Amen. Then it boasts that "you can
buy the items inside, knowing that you are supporting
the work of a fellow Christian, and not some heathen
smut shop on the corner." These are Christian-correct
sex toys. What a relief. So kids, let's look inside
and go shopping.
can be strapped on to share with heathen supplicants
who must be trained to receive Him..."
Jesus Butt Plug: Safe polyurethane rubber, non-toxic,
formed in the shape of an infant wrapped in swaddling
clothes, thus offering extra texture; sizes small, medium
and large; comes in warm brown and baby blue; Tears
of Joy lubricant included; $19.95.
Christ I'm Coming Thruster: Measures eleven inches
by six inches in circumference; made from safe, non-toxic
polyurethane rubber formed into the head and body of
Christ; when not in use, the thruster can be stood up
on its base. There, from your bedstand, it can serve
as a gentle reminder of the love of Christ; comes in
white only; Tears of Joy lubricant included; $49.95.
Cross: This genuine wooden cross enables you to
receive your punishments and cleanse yourself before
journeying on to His side; measures a full eight feet
by five feet across. Handcrafted from genuine wood from
the Holy Land, the cross will easily fit in your average
home. Simply lean it gently against your wall and attach
the special support base to prevent slipping. The crossbeam
features a unique array of horizontal adjustable holes
from the center outward. Choose the holes to insert
the pegs best suited to the sinner's size. Similarly,
the foot peg is also adjustable vertically. What this
means is: The smaller the sinner, the higher they get
to stand on the cross for their punishments. Weighing
in at over 200 pounds, the cross is only $2001.00; shipping
and handling excluded. (Warning: While it may be
easy to get up on The Cross, one must be careful not
to stay up on The Cross too long. Also, it is frequently
much more difficult to get down off The Cross, where
sudden accidents, slipping and falling, are known to
occur. Therefore, the manufacturer accepts no liability
for your personal crucifixion.)
Vibrations: A good way to meditate upon your personal
Savior; comes in a sensible seven-inches-by-one-and-a-half-inch
diameter, safe, non-toxic plastic cylinder; three
speeds; three colors: Virgin white, Easter blue and
deep purple; Tears of Joy lubricant included;
batteries excluded; $29.95.
Messiah: A lifelike replica of the Master's Glans,
authentic in every detail; made from safe, non-toxic
polyurethane rubber; measuring twelve inches by six
and a half inches in circumference; The Messiah can
be strapped on to share with heathen supplicants who
must be trained to receive Him, or share His deep
worship with your fellows; or, simply enjoy The Messiah
by yourself and know the overwhelming joy of taking
Him into you. Comes in white flesh tone only; Tears
of Joy lubricant included; only $69.95.
by Satan: Safe metal handcuffs featuring a Quick-Release-From-Sorrow
switch on the cuffs themselves, that your liberator
can use; or insert and turn the Key-To-Everlasting-Life;
Comes in Bible Black only; $49.95.
Wood: This special "ring" for him is made from
authentic wood from the Holy Land that encircles his
privates completely. A unique gift that says "I care"
about the purity of your passion; comes in small,
medium and ridiculous; on sale $39.95.
Last Supper: A finely crafted figurine of our
Lord made from pure Dutch white chocolate; measuring
six inches by two inches in diameter and weighing
in at a full one quarter pound; it's solid and guaranteed
for freshness and it's on sale for only $13.95.
there you have it--the highlights, verbatim, from
the "Sex Toys For the Saved" catalog. I even ordered
a couple of items myself, getting ready for the Rupture.
Now all I need is a good Christian woman to share
the joy. And, with the divine aid of liquid Viagra,
he is risen.