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xmag.com : September 2001 : Girl Trouble


"The Rupture"

The Portland Foursquare Church sent me a glossy postcard mass-mailing today; Foursquare is that church with the electronic billboard at the corner of Sandy and Burnside. Maybe you were lucky enough to get one, too. It reads: "Time is on my side--Mick Jagger...Or is it?" Scary stuff, but Halloween is a couple of months away. Notice the use of Mick Jagger as the Antichrist whispering seductive lies. On the back, the mailer asks such erudite questions as: "Is Hollywood giving you the real story about the end of days?" Then there's the four sermons: 'The Rapture--will I be left behind? The Antichrist--will I be deceived? Armageddon--will all hell break loose? Heaven or Hell--will I go to heaven?"
Just a few days later, Rex got a very different kind of mailer from some Christians who are, apparently, at least trying to discharge some of their debt before the Rupture (sic) comes. Given the fact that Christianity has been the driving force behind western civilization for the last 2000
The Messiah is introduced to a repentant supplicant. years, leading to this shithole we call life, it's nice to see these folks taking some responsibility with their adult boutique, "Sex Toys For the Saved." This wonderful glossy pamphlet (how in God's name did I get on their mailing list?) was like a breath of fresh air, or a feculent fart unleashed from the bowels of Satan himself, depending on how you want to look at it. I looked at it right-side-up,
read all the pages and would like to share with you a sampling of what "Sex Toys For the Saved" is selling.

First, the pamphlet advises that loving sex between

married Christian partners does not have to mean boring sex! (itals. theirs) What a relief. Then it goes on to to state that "while adultery and coveting thy neighbor's wife belong to the realm of Satan, we believe that good sex between married partners is the next best thing to heaven." Amen. Then it boasts that "you can buy the items inside, knowing that you are supporting the work of a fellow Christian, and not some heathen smut shop on the corner." These are Christian-correct sex toys. What a relief. So kids, let's look inside and go shopping.

"The Messiah can be strapped on to share with heathen supplicants who must be trained to receive Him..."

Baby Jesus Butt Plug: Safe polyurethane rubber, non-toxic, formed in the shape of an infant wrapped in swaddling clothes, thus offering extra texture; sizes small, medium and large; comes in warm brown and baby blue; Tears of Joy™ lubricant included; $19.95.
Jesus Christ I'm Coming Thruster: Measures eleven inches by six inches in circumference; made from safe, non-toxic polyurethane rubber formed into the head and body of Christ; when not in use, the thruster can be stood up on its base. There, from your bedstand, it can serve as a gentle reminder of the love of Christ; comes in white only; Tears of Joy™ lubricant included; $49.95.
The Cross: This genuine wooden cross enables you to receive your punishments and cleanse yourself before journeying on to His side; measures a full eight feet tall by five feet across. Handcrafted from genuine wood from the Holy Land, the cross will easily fit in your average home. Simply lean it gently against your wall and attach the special support base to prevent slipping. The crossbeam features a unique array of horizontal adjustable holes from the center outward. Choose the holes to insert the pegs best suited to the sinner's size. Similarly, the foot peg is also adjustable vertically. What this means is: The smaller the sinner, the higher they get to stand on the cross for their punishments. Weighing in at over 200 pounds, the cross is only $2001.00; shipping and handling excluded. (Warning: While it may be easy to get up on The Cross, one must be careful not to stay up on The Cross too long. Also, it is frequently much more difficult to get down off The Cross, where sudden accidents, slipping and falling, are known to occur. Therefore, the manufacturer accepts no liability for your personal crucifixion.)
Good Vibrations: A good way to meditate upon your personal Savior; comes in a sensible seven-inches-by-one-and-a-half-inch diameter, safe, non-toxic plastic cylinder; three speeds; three colors: Virgin white, Easter blue and deep purple; Tears of Joy™ lubricant included; batteries excluded; $29.95.
The Messiah: A lifelike replica of the Master's Glans, authentic in every detail; made from safe, non-toxic polyurethane rubber; measuring twelve inches by six and a half inches in circumference; The Messiah can be strapped on to share with heathen supplicants who must be trained to receive Him, or share His deep worship with your fellows; or, simply enjoy The Messiah by yourself and know the overwhelming joy of taking Him into you. Comes in white flesh tone only; Tears of Joy™ lubricant included; only $69.95.
Handcuffed by Satan: Safe metal handcuffs featuring a Quick-Release-From-Sorrow switch on the cuffs themselves, that your liberator can use; or insert and turn the Key-To-Everlasting-Life; Comes in Bible Black only; $49.95.
Holy Wood: This special "ring" for him is made from authentic wood from the Holy Land that encircles his privates completely. A unique gift that says "I care" about the purity of your passion; comes in small, medium and ridiculous; on sale $39.95.
The Last Supper: A finely crafted figurine of our Lord made from pure Dutch white chocolate; measuring six inches by two inches in diameter and weighing in at a full one quarter pound; it's solid and guaranteed for freshness and it's on sale for only $13.95.
And there you have it--the highlights, verbatim, from the "Sex Toys For the Saved" catalog. I even ordered a couple of items myself, getting ready for the Rupture. Now all I need is a good Christian woman to share the joy. And, with the divine aid of liquid Viagra, he is risen.

 

 

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