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xmag.com : September 2000 : Pornos for Primates

Pornos for Primates - adult movie review by Rex Breathes


Rexpornos/1  8Hell, Whores and High Hells; Pirate Video; Dir., Tanya Hyde; Stars: Anita Black, Georgette, Layla, Monique Covet, Violet Storm...

An alterna-girl in B-Movie glasses, with tits the size of Toledo, fucks a cue stick with her nipple ring. She’s in red latex, zip-out tits and pussy; he’s in black latex, both sporting little devil horns. She keeps the horns on but removes her glasses to suck his massive member. Things start getting Cro-Magnon when a white angel in wings, tiara and an ass that belongs in heaven swings by. Angel uses the toilet (with fur covered tank) as a getaway to black dildo masturbation—something they don’t allow you to do in heaven. What comes next is (you) a moment that is lasciviously lewd: Angel lies down on a work-out bench so her pussy can be violated by a giant, red-cocked fucking machine. This is not a metaphor; I mean a mechanical, motor driven, arms and levers device that sticks it to her with so many strokes per minute.

“An alterna-girl in B-Movie glasses, with tits the size of Toledo, fucks a cue stick with her nipple ring.”

Astonishing. Robo-fuck. This sub perversion of Angel continues with real cock and predictable results.
Next down, a woman on her knees in a black iron cage sucks monster meat thrust through the cage into her happy mouth. Feeding time at the zoo. Her handlers let her out so she can have her other holes stretched out. Hell’s fetish fashions have a forties fascist flavor as a platinum blonde Sally Bowles deep throats American Wundercock... right side up... upside down, on her back, on her knees. Techno/electronica sounds tiring at times, but innovative enough to keep the Master Race fucking to the end of Overman. All white all the time. So many facials, so little time. I like this director, Tanya Hyde, delivering unto fetish what Andrew Blake has given erotic glamour. So we go medical, naughty nurse, wheelchairs, interrogation, sexual torture/teasing and high fashion fascism. Hell, Whores and High Heels explodes off the screen. And you will, too. Rent it, beat off to it and call me when you come. It’s rare rex recommends anything, so, PAY ATTENTION HERE.

pornos/2  8New Wave Hookers 6; VCA; Dir., Antonio Passolini; Stars: Ginger Lynn, Tina Tyler, Kylie Ireland, Monique DeMoan, Steve Hatcher, Michael J. Cox, Sean Michaels...

 

Sexually frustrated Audrey (Ginger Lynn—playing the owner of All Girl Automotive) lusts after Chip, the parts delivery boy. Ireland sucks off the parts boy on her knees out in the garage. So what. So far, there’s no set-up, premise or anything beyond above average acting and photography. Ireland, who’s left her post as publicist to turn full time VCA contract slut, takes the first scene nowhere we haven’t fucked before. He dirty talk aside, it’s all routine. Fortunately, VCA sent me a T-Shirt with this one, easing the let-down. The off-camera cowboy narration talks us into New Wave Hooker land as Audrey offs herself with carbon monoxide poisoning in her own auto repair garage... over Chip!? Audrey ends up in a netherworld between here and hell where she has to whore herself back to life. And that brings Audrey to the exam table of Dr. Stinky Pinky (Sean Michaels) who gives her a thorough exam. Lynn, who’s got to be pushing 40, is still a worthy fuck toy as she hand over hands Michael’s legendary chocolate bar into her throat.
Lynn gets topped by Tyler, but winds up looking bored, not anxious, as she watches Mickey G sub for Tyler. Lynn, all trussed up and spread-eagle in a swing, gets ahead in mistress points fellating Micky G on her knees. Super Blow job. Micky G gets more pussy being topped than a toilet seat. Unfortunately, this heat comes too little too late to resurrect Audrey from her “Hookers In Hell.” Or to revive this video. As Audrey passes her “tests,” New Wave Hookers 6 fails to deliver in the wake of Michael Nin’s zenith, New Wave Hookers 5. Too bad. Given the cast, the company and the T-shirt, I really thought #6 would be new. In the end, Audrey learns how to use her power as a Capitalist Boss to demand the delivery boy dick she craves—a male paradigm message with only surface appeal to gender equality. If only Audrey had learned in Hooker Hell to turn All Girl Automotive into a worker owned collective... not in the movies, dirty or not.

pornos/3  8
Sex World; Sin City; Dir., Alex Zoltan; Stars: Carmen, Sophie, Fanny, Linda and other whores supposedly from around the world

The premise for this video might be the world wide search for women willing to shoot porn for the lowest possible pay... So Sin City can shell-out less for production, more for promotion. Typical of global capitalism. Naturally we open in the Czech Republic where the poor girls probably work for a cheeseburger and fries. Actually, there’s nothing to indicate this scene is shot anywhere outside LA, since moaning is a universal language. The first fuckee’s gypsy jet-black hair and green eyes lends credence to her hailing from Eastern Europe. Once again, Sin City production designers roll out the silver moon blanket... wait a second. This scene was shot on the left-over set from Linda’s Gangbang! (Ed’s note: See Pornos, June ‘00 @ www.xmag.com) Since I already described this set a few months ago, I won’t bother here. I will say this: I’m more than a bit skeptical at this point that this scene was shot anywhere off the Sin City lot. Next up is a fuckee from Hungary, shot on the same set (No, I’m sure they flew the entire set over to Czechoslovakia, then on to Hungary to produce this video).
Oh, I get it. In spite of the opening footage establishing exciting locals around the world, they actually just thought about going there and how nice that would be. Then they flew the porn star wannabe from Hungary to LA. Because you can take the porn star outta Hungary, but you can’t take the Hungary out of the porn star... thus guaranteeing the tape’s Euro-efficacy. Back to the video... Girl-girl scene 3, their moaning is voice-overed. Prominent gold cross around the blonde’s neck; shooting porn for Jesus. As we press on (nails in wood Jesus) deeper into this astounding video, the scenes are shot in interiors that could be foreign. Or it could be someone’s sleazy apartment out in the valley. The audio for scenes three and four sounds tacked on by Sin City’s post-production moaning actresses. I can hear the director in the sound studio: “I want you to moan like you’re from Hungary.” But, at least it’s in stereo!
Finally, scene 5 drags it’s sorry ass around and we get to see the box cover star, Carmen, from Spain. And rex must admit, Carmen has a body that would stop a bull. And a face like a young Cher—way back when she was with Sonny. And the beat goes on. How the director can take such a stunning woman and make such a boring scene is something no one will contemplate beyond this sentence. At one point, Carmen is taking the dick in some kind of hurdler’s stretch, as the fog machine adds a certain je ne c'est quoi to the inane proceedings. She makes her Sonny come without getting a drop on her Pyrenees proboscis in the facial final. To think of all those mercenaries fighting in the Spanish Revolution so Spain could be a free-to-be-capitalist country. I can hear Hemingway rolling over in his grave. “Ask not for whom the bell tolls...” It tolls for Carmen’s Spanish beauty extracted and exploited by Sin City Inc. No wonder the old man shot himself in the head. Hemingway must have seen Sex World coming.

 

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