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xmag.com : November 2000 : Pornos for Primates

Pornos for Primates - adult movie review by Rex Breathes


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Thighs Wide Open; VCA; Dir., F.J. Lincoln; Stars: Chloe, Bridgette Kerkove, Evan Stone, Randy Spears

Whatever Thighs Wide Open turned out to be, I figured it couldn’t be as bad as Kubrick’s senility-driven Eyes Wide Shut. Plus, with Evan Stone and AVN’s Best Actress, Chloe, as the starring couple, the VCA release should offer more heat than Kidman’s and Cruise’s yawn-a-minute, now languishing on cable. Boy, was I wrong. Thighs Wide Open starts out like a typical daytime soap as Stone and Chloe bicker while getting ready for “The Party.”
At the soiree, Bridgette Kerkove steals Chloe’s hubby so she can fuck him on the pool table, sporting her new rack. Kerkove’s Canoga Park Quickie boob job has transformed her, instantly, into another blonde bimbo fucking for cash in the valley. She does have a lovely, wrinkled brown star which Stone is not afraid to explore with his loquacious tongue. Stone whines to Kerkove that Chloe only likes it in the missionary position—a claim as hard to swallow as his dick. Meanwhile, I hate Kerkove’s boob job; you can practically see the saline sacs squirming around with each stroke of Stone’s cue stick. Plus, she’s added a few pounds convalescing, and a stupid butterfly tattoo on her right calf. I’d throw her on the used-up porno puffin’ pile and get another hungry-for-fame-n-fortune fuck muffin.
Chloe plays the frigid wife who needs defrosting... but at the hands of Randy Spears? Not bloody likely. Spears primes Chloe by showing her a porno movie, then invites her to the “private exclusive party.” Back in the nuptial boudoir, Chloe and Stone settle into another round of bickering as Thighs Wide Open slides into a talky, trying-hard-to-be-taken-seriously adult feature. Oh well; at least it’s not another “Midget Hand Jobs #17,” or something.
Chloe goes to the party; Spears looks ridiculous answering the door in a mask. Chloe rises above the material and gives a great blowjob on the stairs, taking more dick in her mouth than that siliconed beach bunny Kerkove could ever dream of. Only good line of the film: “Be hungry,” Randy says to Chloe’s mouth-full-of-dick. Eventually, we get around to “The Party,” with a bunch of people wearing goofy masks. Fortunately, there isn’t a fucking piano hammering out one note over and over and over... on the soundtrack. The party scene is so lame that Chloe scratches her nose out of boredom as she watches the blindfolded couple “explore the heightened sensations when one sense is taken away.” Ooh. After a few more minutes of this, Chloe looks like she’s going to nod off, thinking, ‘It’s a good thing I get $10,000 a day now that I’m AVN’s Best Actress.’ Or, ‘I wouldn’t bother with this twaddle, but I wanna direct some day for VCA, so I’ll suffer through it. Besides, it beats standing around on the set of Showtime’s Lady Chatterly’s Lover for a lousy thousand a day.’

"If this is the new breed, then people need to stop breeding, now, and start staying home, jerking off to porno tapes".
I’m sorry. Given the stars, Chloe and Evan Stone, and the opportunity to parody such a grandiose fart like Eyes Wide Shut, Thighs Wide Open is a monumental yawn. In the end, Chloe turns into the porno-actress-fuck-machine-for-a-wife that Stone always wanted (but was afraid to ask for). Meanwhile, back on the shelf; best line ever seen on a porno video box advertising the granny sex inside: “Death’s not the only thing knockin’ on her door.” I would recommend Thighs Wide Open ahead of that particular video, or any of the Bridgette The Midget offerings out there. But that’s about it.

pornos/2  8New Breed #3; Pleasure Productions; Dir., Jules Jordan; Stars: Gina Lynn, Skylar Knight, April, Jules Jordan, Mr. Marcus, Erik Everhard

 

New Breed has a pro-am feel to it with unsteady, over-exposed hand-held camera work spying on ordinary girls getting gang-banged. If this is the new breed, then people need to stop breeding, now, and start staying home, jerking off to porno tapes. What can I say: It was after two in the morning when I grabbed this off the new releases rack at Taboo Video. The video that belonged to the box cover displaying a woman sticking her black stockinged foot up inside some guy’s ass was out, so I got New Breed to satisfy the sleaze factor. Almost ugly girls, lots of DP’s and gnarly facials, a chimpanzee could probably hold the camera with better results. Throw this one on the funeral pyre celebrating four years of Bush. At nearly two hours, I’ve got tendinitis from holding the FF button down. And still, New Breed was almost as interminable as a trip to the OHSU Dental School to have the lovely but sadistic Chinese instructress treat your aching teeth with the compassion of Ghenghis Khan. “Now this is an example of significant bone loss,” she drolly instructs her pupil, barely audible above your screams for mercy. Because, alas (perhaps maliciously, deliberately) she has way under novacained you for the procedure at hand—scraping the nerve root of your abscessed tooth. I would choose watching New Breed #3 over getting treated by the Asianatrix Dentist again. But that’s about it.

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Heels And Hose; Big Top Video; Dir., Viv Thomas; Stars: Sammy Jane, Sophie, Christina, Mark

First off (as I pull on my black seamed nylons), I’ve got to admit I loved this fucking movie. The actresses all look like they stepped off the pages of Elle magazine... wearing fully fashioned nylons, fetish pumps and mules and platforms. You don’t have to be a heels and hose fetishist to get in the mood watching extraordinary women having leggy sex. The lone (and lucky) guy is a Rocco look-a-like—without the misogynist, ‘I will conquer you with my big dick’ undertones. And the photography is like early Andrew Blake—back when he knew the actors/story/fucking/sucking was the star and not his clever camera. The adoration of legs, stockings, feet and shoes is a tad excessive at times. Then again, it shows the director loves her work and is a true aficionado of heels and hose, not just another idiot trying to cash in on an angle. Watch out for the French Maid—a stunning brunette who looks more like a French Maid than, well, a French Maid. She bears some resemblance to Juliette Binoche in Louis Malle’s Damage.
Not since the 60s heyday of heels and hose fetish photography, ala Elmer Batters (Tip Top Magazine), have luscious legs been so stylishly idolized. Heels And Hose is a pin-up model excursion into sensual fetish sex that will make you run to the adult store to buy your honey real nylons that come in a box. H&H proves that the new, Republican, kinder gentler porn doesn’t have to be boring. The French Maid’s ass alone is worth the price of admission. Rent it. Then shoot your load all over your girlfriend’s fully fashioned nylons. Remember: ordinary dish soap in warm water for washing, and hang dry. Hopefully, some day in the Republican future, every apartment and household will have fully fashioned nylons hanging up to dry. It’s so subtly yet gloriously fascist, it makes my nutsack ooze pre-cum.

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