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Thighs Wide Open; VCA; Dir., F.J. Lincoln; Stars: Chloe,
Bridgette Kerkove, Evan Stone, Randy Spears
Whatever Thighs Wide Open turned out to be, I figured
it couldn’t be as bad as Kubrick’s senility-driven
Eyes Wide Shut. Plus, with Evan Stone and AVN’s
Best Actress, Chloe, as the starring couple, the VCA release
should offer more heat than Kidman’s and Cruise’s
yawn-a-minute, now languishing on cable. Boy, was I wrong.
Thighs Wide Open starts out like a typical daytime
soap as Stone and Chloe bicker while getting ready for “The
Party.”
At the soiree, Bridgette Kerkove steals Chloe’s hubby
so she can fuck him on the pool table, sporting her new
rack. Kerkove’s Canoga Park Quickie boob job has transformed
her, instantly, into another blonde bimbo fucking for cash
in the valley. She does have a lovely, wrinkled brown star
which Stone is not afraid to explore with his loquacious
tongue. Stone whines to Kerkove that Chloe only likes it
in the missionary position—a claim as hard to swallow
as his dick. Meanwhile, I hate Kerkove’s boob job;
you can practically see the saline sacs squirming around
with each stroke of Stone’s cue stick. Plus, she’s
added a few pounds convalescing, and a stupid butterfly
tattoo on her right calf. I’d throw her on the used-up
porno puffin’ pile and get another hungry-for-fame-n-fortune
fuck muffin.
Chloe plays the frigid wife who needs defrosting... but
at the hands of Randy Spears? Not bloody likely. Spears
primes Chloe by showing her a porno movie, then invites
her to the “private exclusive party.” Back in
the nuptial boudoir, Chloe and Stone settle into another
round of bickering as Thighs Wide Open slides into
a talky, trying-hard-to-be-taken-seriously adult feature.
Oh well; at least it’s not another “Midget Hand
Jobs #17,” or something.
Chloe goes to the party; Spears looks ridiculous answering
the door in a mask. Chloe rises above the material and gives
a great blowjob on the stairs, taking more dick in her mouth
than that siliconed beach bunny Kerkove could ever dream
of. Only good line of the film: “Be hungry,” Randy
says to Chloe’s mouth-full-of-dick. Eventually, we
get around to “The Party,” with a bunch of people
wearing goofy masks. Fortunately, there isn’t a fucking
piano hammering out one note over and over and over... on
the soundtrack. The party scene is so lame that Chloe scratches
her nose out of boredom as she watches the blindfolded couple
“explore the heightened sensations when one sense is
taken away.” Ooh. After a few more minutes of this,
Chloe looks like she’s going to nod off, thinking,
‘It’s a good thing I get $10,000 a day now that
I’m AVN’s Best Actress.’ Or, ‘I wouldn’t
bother with this twaddle, but I wanna direct some day for
VCA, so I’ll suffer through it. Besides, it beats standing
around on the set of Showtime’s Lady Chatterly’s
Lover for a lousy thousand a day.’
"If this is the new breed, then
people need to stop breeding, now, and start staying home,
jerking off to porno tapes".
I’m sorry. Given the stars, Chloe and Evan Stone, and
the opportunity to parody such a grandiose fart like Eyes
Wide Shut, Thighs Wide Open is a monumental yawn.
In the end, Chloe turns into the porno-actress-fuck-machine-for-a-wife
that Stone always wanted (but was afraid to ask for). Meanwhile,
back on the shelf; best line ever seen on a porno video
box advertising the granny sex inside: “Death’s
not the only thing knockin’ on her door.” I would
recommend Thighs Wide Open ahead of that particular
video, or any of the Bridgette The Midget offerings
out there. But that’s about it.
 New
Breed #3; Pleasure Productions; Dir., Jules Jordan; Stars:
Gina Lynn, Skylar Knight, April, Jules Jordan, Mr. Marcus,
Erik Everhard
New Breed has a pro-am feel to it with
unsteady, over-exposed hand-held camera work spying on ordinary
girls getting gang-banged. If this is the new breed, then
people need to stop breeding, now, and start staying home,
jerking off to porno tapes. What can I say: It was after
two in the morning when I grabbed this off the new releases
rack at Taboo Video. The video that belonged to the box
cover displaying a woman sticking her black stockinged foot
up inside some guy’s ass was out, so I got New Breed
to satisfy the sleaze factor. Almost ugly girls, lots of
DP’s and gnarly facials, a chimpanzee could probably
hold the camera with better results. Throw this one on the
funeral pyre celebrating four years of Bush. At nearly two
hours, I’ve got tendinitis from holding the FF button
down. And still, New Breed was almost as interminable
as a trip to the OHSU Dental School to have the lovely but
sadistic Chinese instructress treat your aching teeth with
the compassion of Ghenghis Khan. “Now this is an example
of significant bone loss,” she drolly instructs her
pupil, barely audible above your screams for mercy. Because,
alas (perhaps maliciously, deliberately) she has way under
novacained you for the procedure at hand—scraping the
nerve root of your abscessed tooth. I would choose watching
New Breed #3 over getting treated by the Asianatrix
Dentist again. But that’s about it.
Heels And Hose; Big Top Video; Dir., Viv Thomas; Stars:
Sammy Jane, Sophie, Christina, Mark
First off (as I pull on my black seamed nylons),
I’ve got to admit I loved this fucking movie. The actresses
all look like they stepped off the pages of Elle
magazine... wearing fully fashioned nylons, fetish pumps
and mules and platforms. You don’t have to be a heels
and hose fetishist to get in the mood watching extraordinary
women having leggy sex. The lone (and lucky) guy is a Rocco
look-a-like—without the misogynist, ‘I will conquer
you with my big dick’ undertones. And the photography
is like early Andrew Blake—back when he knew the actors/story/fucking/sucking
was the star and not his clever camera. The adoration of
legs, stockings, feet and shoes is a tad excessive at times.
Then again, it shows the director loves her work and is
a true aficionado of heels and hose, not just another idiot
trying to cash in on an angle. Watch out for the French
Maid—a stunning brunette who looks more like a French
Maid than, well, a French Maid. She bears some resemblance
to Juliette Binoche in Louis Malle’s Damage.
Not since the 60s heyday of heels and hose fetish photography,
ala Elmer Batters (Tip Top Magazine), have luscious
legs been so stylishly idolized. Heels And Hose is
a pin-up model excursion into sensual fetish sex that will
make you run to the adult store to buy your honey real nylons
that come in a box. H&H proves that the new,
Republican, kinder gentler porn doesn’t have to be
boring. The French Maid’s ass alone is worth the price
of admission. Rent it. Then shoot your load all over your
girlfriend’s fully fashioned nylons. Remember: ordinary
dish soap in warm water for washing, and hang dry. Hopefully,
some day in the Republican future, every apartment and household
will have fully fashioned nylons hanging up to dry. It’s
so subtly yet gloriously fascist, it makes my nutsack ooze
pre-cum.
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