So I'm sitting here... in my chair...
minding my own business... when the phone rings. Bored,
I answer it... It's a girl--a dancer--I don't know her...
She's angry because she thinks there is a naked picture
of her in the magazine that she doesn't remember being
taken, and she never gave us permission to use... I
ask her where and turn to that page... It's a sexy black
and white side view of a girl whom I know... I took
the picture myself at Sassy's two weeks before... It's
not the girl on the phone... I explain that to her...
She's not buying it... Logic won't sway her... She's
irate... She threatens to sue us... "Okay," I say, "go
ahead..." I hang up the phone and resume my boredom.
The phone rings again... the angry
son of some 97-year-old grandmother is very upset because
we accidentally placed her number in an escort ad...
oops... she's getting calls all night from guys wanting,
well, you know... I suggest that perhaps she could make
some extra cash to supplement her social security...
that doesn't go over well... "I'm sorry..." I say, "We
made a terrible, terrible mistake... It won't happen
One more time the phone rings... It's
the Oregon Department of Revenue... "He's not here...
Maybe tomorrow," I lie... I sure love Mondays...
We're starting a new policy here at
Exotic magazine. From this point on, no more
Mr. Nice Magazine Guys. Nobody appreciates what we do
anyway, so fuck 'em. Don't like our cover? Too bad.
Think our articles suck? Fuck off. Photography not up
to par? Eat me. Screw trying to make everyone happy.
Frankly, we only care about amusing ourselves. Whether
it be pictures of people with fists up their butts,
midget gang-bang videos or a simple, "Mooo... Mooo..."
coming out of the computer speakers when you touch the
keyboard-- it's all about self-fulfillment. Are we bored?
Duh. Are we selfish? Fuck, yeah. Are we bad people?
Probably. But that doesn't mean you can't still like
us. We'll even let you hang out with us, as long as
you don't mind us using you're pathetic existence to
enhance our own sadistic desires. Speaking of which,
do you know anyone with a speculum?