we're celebrating a big anniversary this month, we thought
it would be fun to revisit some of the biggest mistakes
we've made here over the last eight years. I'm not talking
ordinary, everyday, run-of-the-mill type mistakes. I'm
talking huge errors in judgement. I'm talking bigtime
Joey-Buttafuoco-ish bungles. I'm talkin' massive-attack-
on-Iraq type boners. We still think that there was a lot
of overreaction and exaggeration involved with some of
these, but here are a few of our biggest screw-ups...
There was the time back in '95 we thought
that it would be funny if we joked around a little bit
with the Church of Scientology, so we published a little
article that gave away (and made fun of) the big "secret"
at the heart of their "religion." You know the one about
Earth being invaded millions of years ago by Xemu, and
alien beings called Thetans that possess all of us and
cause all our psychological problems? All that stuff?
Oh, you don't? That's probably because you haven't spent
hundreds of thousands of dollars to reach that level in
their church. We thought it was all just a big joke made
up by some 1950's science fiction writer--oh wait... it
was... Anyway, they went around and stole a bunch of our
magazines, and lied to the police, got caught, and threatened
us with a Tom Cruise-John Travolta movie... Damn. They
cornholed us on that one. Big mistake.
Let's not forget the big hullabaloo over
Monica Lewinsky and President Clinton. How were we to
know she'd take it so seriously while she was interning
here with us and attending Lewis & Clark University.
Monica, Monica, Monica... I always told you to be more
careful. Huge blunder on our part. Sorry, Bill.
And of course there was the time I accidentally
terminated the contract with our salesman Christopher
Lloyd-Baron just because he was an arrogant, dickheaded
jackass. Well, he took things way to personally and has
spent the last few years trying to "destroy" Exotic
magazine, as he so eloquently put it. So instead of
the Worldwide Publishing Empire we were building up to
just a few years ago, Exotic has been reduced to
a pathetic, bitter little porn mag in podunk Portland,
Oregon. Wow. Some people just can't take a joke.
But by far the biggest problem arose
when we mistakenly declared war on Eritrea back in '99.
At the time it seemed like the right thing to do, those
Eritreans are just plain buttheads, they have a funny-sounding
name, and they just seemed like such an easy target. Who
knew they had an elite Hesbollah-trained guerrilla division
and access to a large cache of Soviet-made weapons? Damn
Eritreans kicked our pornographic asses.
So, after eight years, I like to think
we've learned a lot from our mistakes. And, in the spirit
of reconciliation, can't we all just say, "Sorry," and
leave it at that?