|
Porno; Sin City; Dir.,  Kris
Kramski; Stars: Allison Killgore, Regan Senter, Jim South,
Max Hardcore, Ron Sullivan, Robert Spallone, Ron Jeremy
Kris Kramski is the enfant terrible of
the porno industry who, unfortunately, owes his soul to
the company store--Sin City Video. In Porno, Kramski
has crafted a harsh mockumentary of the hand that feeds
this French former fashion photographer. As a pseudo documentary--complete
with a wide-screen, gritty, 16mm B&W format--Porno
is not a porno film. It's a feature film about shooting
porn in LA.
Porno follows the story of a shy
female cub reporter--just graduated from journalism school--who
wants to expose the underbelly of the Beast. She first
knocks on the door of a sleazy agency, Beautiful Models.
The agent immediately turns the tables on her and tries
to get her to audition. Regan Senter's turn as the slimeball
agent reminds one of Garry Shandling in the exceptional
film, Hurly Burly. Five minutes into the film,
you're convinced you've stumbled into peeping behind the
scenes of a porno film-casting agency. Watching the agent
work out of his cramped apartment, Cindy the journalist
continues the interview in his bedroom while he "auditions"
a new girl.
"So, what do you think about all this,
journalist?" he says sarcastically, while fucking the
new girl doggy-style.
"I feel sorry for the girls who would
come through your agency."
"Do you think you will go to hell, or,
you deserve to go to hell?" Our cute cub reporter goes
after Toxic.
And Johnny says, "The only people who
deserve to got to hell are rapists, murderers and Max
Hardcore." Johnny calls pornography the first step towards
legalized prostitution and agrees with Cindy that women
who fuck for cash on film are prostitutes. He's also concerned
about the hammer coming down with a conservative Republican
in the White House.
"We're into it for the cash money deal,"
Toxic says. "There's people out there who want it; we're
feeding it." Nonetheless, Toxic insists "This is art,"
as he pulls out his dick and starts fucking a stack of
porno movies in the stock room.
Cindy the journalist goes skipping up
to Max Hardcore's mansion.
"What we do is strip our videos of any
shred of decency or any moral justification whatsoever,"
Max explains his "art."
"Are you rich from this?" Cindy hones
in on the truth.
Then Max fucks another one of his bony,
flat-chested, anklet-socks-and-platforms-wearin' bimbos
on his pool table. In the ass. Cindy observes for the
sake of science. Post coital interview:
Cindy: "Do you believe in hell?"
Max: "I believe we're living in hell,
for the girls who come over here...working with Max
Hardcore is hell."
Cindy: "Do you believe you deserve to
go to hell?"
Max: "I believe I was put here on earth
for the express purpose of keeping these silicunts in
line...All girls are whores, whether they realize it
or not. The problem is when a girl is a whore who doesn't
think she's a whore; that's when they get fucked up
in the head. I'm here to straighten them out, set them
on the right path."
Cindy: "Do you also think this degrades
them?"
Max: "Oh yeah. That's the point."
Over at Robert Spallone's place, we
get to see a woman the size of a Sumo wrestler crushing
the poor penis underneath. And then the dog wanders
onto the set. Cindy presses on with her interview while
Dick Nasty slaps against a backside the size of a Kansas
barn. After the money shot, the dog wanders out of the
room--a moment of quiet cinematic brilliance.
Next up, the hearing-and-speech-impaired
pre-op transsexual shows off her penis. A tweaker lady
who's pushin' fifty talks about her experiences with
dogs and shit scenes. Henri Pachard directs Drew getting
it on with Grandma and the transvestite...the future
of porn. Pachard says, "The difference between a professional
pornographer and an amateur is that I don't defend the
First Amendment, I exploit it. I use the First Amendment
to make a living. You defend it; you're a journalist."
Grandma pulls on the strap-on while
Pachard, who's been shooting porn since 1964, provides
metaphysical motivation for the grand finale. Cut.
Finally, in a bizarre twist, Cindy reveals
her true character to a journalist for the German Peep
TV. Cindy's really not a journalist but a porno
actress pretending to be interviewing for a documentary.
It's retribution time. Ron Jeremy and Cindy bring it
all to a head--her inquisitive mouth on Jeremy's famous
dick. Kramski, in his thick French accent, is heard
off-camera while Cindy is getting fucked by Jeremy.
"Now Cindy, tell me about your last
scene in the business; do you have anything to say?"
"No...It's interesting that it's with
Ron Jeremy," while she's fucking him.
Post-coitus, Ron says, "I think we
should all hold hands and sing, 'We are the world.'"
The film closes with Cindy interviewing
Kramski on-camera, interspliced with a glamour lesbian
scene, directed by Kramski, as the copious credits roll.
"The more addicted a person
is to pornography,
the more frightened he is of death;
it's a subliminal thing..." Kramski tells Cindy. Then
adds, "To suppress freedom is anti-religious... God
would not bring upon this earth an illness (AIDS)
that would suppress the fundamental procreation which
allows life to carry on..."
So, man made AIDS and man made porno.
And Kramski's film, Porno, is the toughest
take you'll ever see on "where the rubber meets the
road." Probably more truth than you can handle. So,
if you can find Kramski's Porno anywhere, don't
rent it. Please. Just keep jacking off so they can
all make money.
In the spirit of the true-to-life
porno documentary, Rex wants to share with you the
time-honored formula for determining your porno actor
name. Here's how it works: You take the name of some
pet you had as a child for your first name. Add that
to the name of a street where you grew up. The result
is your new porno actor name. Using the above formula,
I take Corky, for the name of my dog, and Longwood
Drive, the street where I grew up in Pittsburgh, and
the result is, Ta Da!, Corky Longwood... my porno
actor name. I shit you not. Try it yourself, with
friends, at parties. You'll be amazed with what you
come up with.
 Spiked
Heel Diaries 17; Bizarre Video; Dir., Skye Blue; Stars: Summer
Cummings, Lauren Monroe, Maxine Monroe, Alec Metro...
Now for something completely different.
I jerked this off the 99 cent rack at the new Taboo Video
down on Union Ave. Check out their spankin' new buddy
booths. It's like this: You walk into the room, close
the door, stick your money in, and the giant 27 incher
starts playing whatever movie you want or four movies
at once on split screen. Yeah, just try jacking off to
four porno movies at the same time. Next to you is a large
window. You hit the fog/defog button, and presto, suddenly
you can see the person on the other side--that is, if
they have also defogged. So, you take her there on a movie
date. And it's like this: You're watching "Big Butt Brazilian
Cigar Smokin' Shemales 6," or something, while she fellates
you. Defog. Suddenly, you are the movie, as the guys crowd
into the next room on the other side of the glass, watching
her suck you off. While they jerk off. Baby, you're a
star! That's how Corky Longwood got his start.
Anyhow, about this movie, Spiked Heel
Diaries....if you are a foot fetishist, these big
breasted high arched females and their foot fucking fags
will make you turgid for toes. Of course, foot fetishism
is a form of infantilism. Think about it. Little baby
boy is crawling around on the carpet and what does he
bump into. Bingo. Mama's feet. And away we go. There's,
like, even a Goth scene in this film where she tells him,
"Take that cape off, now!" With his long blue fingernails,
lipsticked lips and long, thin black hair, it's like we've
stumbled into Marilyn Manson having foot sex with Rose
McGowan. Whoa.
Thank you, Taboo and Rachelle.
|
