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Pornos for Primates - adult movie review by Rex Breathes





The Splendor Of Hell; Pirate Video Deluxe # 14, Private Video; Dir., Kovi; Stars: Monique Covet, Christina, Rita Faltoyand, Anita Paris...


Splendor opens in a meat locker where cold stiff carcasses hang as backdrop for the three Riot Grrrls goin' down on three meat packers. Monique Covet leads the way as the ringleader of these hungry sex kittens. Carni-whores. Kneeling on the cold tile, they must ingest meat now. Special moment: Monique jerks off some dark meat into the mouth of a hungry kitty (starved for manmeat) with her white Platex (tm) gloved hand. Covet looks like Brigitte Bardot with a boob job. Roger Vadim, eat your heart out. The bad kitties' ultra smooth, labia-pierced pussy gets stretched from here to hell by unsheathed turgid manfuck. Their natty-dread bleached blonde hair--like they've been sleepin' out in the alley all night--looks like it's been matted with dried cum. One guy wears what looks like an ornamental pig carcass draped over his shoulder while he performs a bad kitty tonsilectomy with his mantool. Boots, bustiers, thigh-highs and latex should look silly in a slaughterhouse. But director Kovi's clever costuming, lighting and set design give Splendor an Andrew-Blake-on-crack feel that jerks for me.

At one point in the unsane proceedings, a bad kitty gets hung by the heels upside-down like a side of meat. Her head's swaying just high enough off the cold hard concrete floor to fellate the proud fella who's worshiping her captive legs. Next up, bad kitties in cages as ringleader Covet makes the male beast lie atop the lioness cage so his swollen member can be thrust into the carnivorous mouth below. Bad kitty. Eat this...caged heat continues with the wild things getting fucked sideways in, out and on top of their cages. Zesty!

Scene three plays out in the futuristic ruins of some industrial wasteland. Crumbling concrete warehouses give way to soft flesh that must yield to the advancing engines giving up their grease on the dirt floor. Exploding fires light up the animal mechanical. Director Kovi, who brought us Hell's Belles, delivers the goods again in this mad meatcapade. And you'll never see this whacked-out shit on cable.

Vegas Or Bust; Wicked Pictures; Dir., Brad Armstrong; Stars: Devinn Lane, Inari Vachs, Miko Lee, Brittany Andrews, Mark Davis, Vince Voyeur...

This stunning film opens with two showgirls twirling in slo-mo to bad 80s music in front of the Big Six Wheel--the biggest ripoff table game on the floor of any casino. Which indicates where this thing is headed. The "showgirls" slip their fake tits out of their sequined bras and get into some serious tonguing of each other's gold-glittered pussies. Amazingly enough, their rhinestone and feather headdresses never move an inch. Pink glove's inserted into Devinn's silky smooth showgirl snatch. Even the vibrator's pink and wears a rhinestone collar at the base--makes it easier to grip with those slick satin gloves. At least the Paul Verhoeven debacle, Showgirls, had the bad acting of Elizabeth Berkley and the worse script by Joe Eszterhas. Here we have the clever ploy of starting out with the girl/girl-anal-dildo-penetration scene first. Devinn has the most surgically enhanced, tanned blonde Barbie body I've seen in a while. Luckily for us, an idiot narrates between scenes:

"At one point in the unsane proceedings, a bad kitty gets hung by the heels upside-down like a side of meat."

"Clocks, windows and time aren't important, but gambling is. They just want you to play, play, play..." Devinn switches from showgirl to croupier for scene two at the roulette table. Mark Davis mounts Devinn from the rear on the layout. Gee, it would be nice to fuck the dealer every once in awhile instead of getting fucked by the dealer. So, now that we've covered the wheel games--Big Six and roulette--we move onto the count room. Inari Vachs counts the cocks, one at a time, making their nightly drops.

The cigarette girl offers cigars and more out on the slots' floor. Great smoker scene as her painted oval mouth lights a fat cigar and spews sumptuous smoke from her thick lips. Only part of this movie I liked. Just like my granddaddy used to say, "There's nothing like a fine cigar, fetish heels and the whirring sights and sounds of a slot machine." Played my first slot machine when I was seven--an antique, mechanical nickel slot machine down in gramps' basement. It's in my blood. Watching a cigar-smoking slut wearing nine-inch heels sodomize herself on a slot machine stool, and reviewing that for you, dear smut fan, came later.

Vegas or Bust is really an educational film about the actual goings-on in Las Vegas. Coming to your adult pay-per-view soon, no doubt. But watch out. Towards the end, this video offers up the notion that you can pick an escort number out of the Las Vegas Yellow Pages and get laid. Prostitution is illegal in Clark County! But if you drive down the road to the Cherry Patch Ranch, on the way to Pahrump over in Nye county, sex is for sale. There's even a limo service to and from The Ranch. Vegas or Bust? I think we could file this one under the "Bust" category.

Dirty Movies; Sin City; Dir., Michael Raven; Stars: Jessica Drake, Terri Summers, Heven, Shawna Sexton, Evan Stone, George Kaplan

Jessica Drake narrates how her love of dirty movies led her to purchase a video camera and become a pornographer herself. Drake, who is now a contract whore with Sin City, is a cute little long-haired fuck toy. So far, her talents are wasted here, holding the camera and watching the action with her clothes on. Rendered in wide-screen format, one must wonder, why the arthouse stylings?, when this is supposed to be the amateur efforts of fledgling pornographer Drake. But then, nothing about Michael Raven's films ever make sense. One must ask if Raven's parents are related. And why, for God's sake, does Jessica still have her clothes on fifteen fucking minutes into this thing--according to the obnoxious TCR graphic counting out the running time in one-hundredths of a second. Hey, I've got news for you, Sin City: There's no way I could ever sell this shit to anyone. Eighteen minutes into this thing and we finally get the facial for the pathetic opening scene--and Drake still has her clothes on. I'm outta here.


  Little Bad Czechs Grad Night; Sinister Video, Sin City; Dir., Alex Ladd; Stars: Ripley, Angela and guys who like to fuck bad Czechs.

In their opening credits, they spell Sinister, their company name, SINESTER, in huge bold letters filling the screen. Bad sign. I guess these bad Czechs didn't graduate after all. The sound is so bad, I can't hear a thing the first bad Czech, Ripley, is saying by way of introduction. Oh well, so much for the up-close-and-personal moment before she gets gangbanged. Apparently, Ripley majored in cocksucking at her community college as she manages to suck off four at the same time. Eventually, the post-graduate studies begin and they fuck that skinny brown-skinned girl on that annoying wicker furniture surrounding the pool. I didn't realize they had indoor plumbing over there, let alone swimming pools. They all moan in Czech, which sounds just like our moaning except with a distinct, Eastern European accent. Thus "Ohh," becomes "Ohahh, ohahh," and "mmm" translates into "ehmmm." Today I learned about girls moaning in Czech. They say you should try and learn something new every day...Now if the producers over at Sin City could learn how to spell, then maybe they could make a literate porno movie. I tell ya, from the White house to the whore house (and the strip clubs out in St. Johns), it's the idiot fucks runnin' the show. For those of you who have graduated grade school, I suggest you pass on this examination of Czech sex.

Thanks to Taboo Video for supplying videos.







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