Pirate Video; Dir.,Tonya Hyde;
Stars: Monique Covet, Loureen Kiss, Monica Moore, Dora
A series of surreal vignettes explores
the erotic joys of rubber fashion, opening with a
blonde dom in rubber thigh-high lace-up boots and
sunglasses commanding her sub to go down. Blonde dom
leads her sub down into the dungeon where a sub-guy
tethered to a giant rubber wheel o' fortune pops wood
for sub-girl. Day-glo dildo insertion naturally follows.
Dildo's replaced by the sub-woodsman...in her ass.
Various sling chair insertions round out the scene
leading up to the facial: Sub-woodsman launches a
load that could power turbines at Bonneville Dam,
drenching both female faces, dom and sub alike.
Scene two gets downright Nazi; the
next dick is bound, blindfolded and ballgagged in
a chair behind bars as the 4th Reich mistress fellates
him. Her rubber trench coat, SS hat and jet black
hair serve notice she's the boss. Nazi dom mounts
his boyish Aryan good-looks with a black rubber strap-on.
He takes it like a good soldier. No insubordination.
Later, a blonde Fraulein fellates him between the
bars while he passes time reading porno mags. Rubber
SS officer returns and tosses the slut aside, then
fucks her in the ass with her strap-on. Lots of fucking
and sucking ensues in the narrow cell; SS mistress
gets DP'd right out of her hat.
Next up, a woman trussed up in a rubber
body bag gets dragged into some hospital de Sade where
attendants probe her orifices with strange rubber
devices. At one point, the patient's got what looks
like a Jedi sword sticking out of her ass while she
gets fucked from behind. A double dildo fuck-off follows,
the blonde body bag girl and a brunette sharing a
double-headed dildo bigger than any black hose under
the hood of my car. And the strange sexperiments in
the hospital de Sade continue...After an hour or so
of this full-on insanity, I find myself longing for
olden days when a glimpse of stocking was considered
shocking. Rubberfuckers is depraved, perverted
and even pretty good at times. But without any dialogue,
characters or a single word spoken, it becomes a cold
landscape of distant dildos filling up black holes
in space. With five full vignettes, Rubberfuckers
is too much perversion to swallow in one sitting.
The Black Room; Vivid Video; Dir., David Stanley;
Stars: Cassidey, Dayton, Shelbee Myne...
A man in a black suit, holding a black
book, interrogates a couple in a black room. Flashback
to the night they met, Halloween, and she sucked his
dick right outta his cow suit. That's cow suit,
not cowboy suit. If only I had thought of this, I
could be producing porn instead of merely watching
this brilliant art unfold from afar. So, he fucks
her on top of some hay bales with a jack-o-lantern
leering nearby. The man in the black room continues
his interview, probing into the couple's troubled
past and their relationship with their gifted but
deranged son, Dale--conceived on that fateful Halloween
look over the pile of porno I've just survived and
Harbor my ass. Live through this.'"
Scene two, Dale's all grown up now
and having sex with some blonde beach bunny on a blanket
in the bushes. Being a deranged genius, he cums on
her toes. Scene three, Dale's slut for a girlfriend
cuckolds poor Dale on Valentines Day; he walks in
on her getting her baggy labia stretched by some Hoover
sucking dirt bag positioned on his back. This inquisition
into the life of Dale continues with no rhyme or reason
as to why we should give a rusty fuck about his character--who,
so far, has exhibited the personality of a rutabaga.
This, in spite of his so-called "deranged genius."
The black suit in the black room keeps referring to
"learning why he did it," like that alone is supposed
to drive the hapless plot.
Apparently, Dale liked getting cuckolded
by his last girlfriend so he hires some Romeo to fuck
his new girlfriend while he watches with a vacant,
rutabaga stare. Dale's voyeuristic tendencies resulted
from his impotency which, of course, lead to him dropping
the clock radio into the bathtub with him in it. But
first, Dale killed everyone previously interviewed
in the black room. This is some real thinking man's
porno here; glad I took notes.
The Q Spot; Wicked Pictures;
Dir., Alain Payet; Stars:
Holly Golden, Christophe Clark, Angela Tiger, Dru
Barrymore, Daniella Rush...
We open under the Big Top where a
trapeze artist is lowered on her swing down into the
arms of her old-enough-to-be-her-father trainer. The
dubbing on this French production is funnier that
shit; the clown doing the voiceover on the trapeze
trainer sounds like he's suffering from hemorrhoids
as he fucks her down on the Big Top floor. It's good
to watch a cheesy, dubbed porno film again. Off camera,
the trapeze trainer gets mauled by a lion, post-coitus.
The town doctor is called to the circus to administer
first aid and take the trainer's dying confession:
The infamous Q Spot--which will make any woman cum--is
located in the rectum. Porno this bad is always good.
So, what we've got is a set-up for an anal film as
the small-town circus doctor must
relentlessly search for the "Q Spot."
Shot on film in widescreen format, the wooden dubbed
dialogue yields lines like,
"You want me to ram it in you harder?"
"My dear Janean, I'm going to show
you something that will change your whole life," as
he inserts his middle finger in her asshole and finds
her "Q Spot."
This bona fide throwback to vintage
70s porn is far more like a classic re-release than
a new release. I doubt that anyone at Wicked Pictures
is clever enough to make a faithful send-up of 70s
porn...or even old enough to remember. Nonetheless,
The Q Spot succeeds in all its inadvertent
silliness. Rent it and laugh your ass off.
Footopia; Eurotique; Dir.,
Toshi Gold; Stars: No stars given out of embarrassment,
Slides, mules, pumps and boots serve
as prelude to vigorous foot-fucking while K-Mart music
plays under. An utterly, amazingly, stupid film. Nonetheless,
you foot and leg fetishists are required by law to
rent this video and jerk-off to it before going to
bed tonight. The nudist-except-for-a-pair-of-9"-platforms
scene is especially amusing. Eventually, Sylvia Saint,
of all people, shows up to give a foot job in her
white lace-up boots. Looking like ice cream spilled
on the stairway to heaven, it's there he stops to
lick her heels. This showcase scene is not enough
to rescue Footopia from the dregs. Billed on
the box cover as, "the finest foot tape ever," makes
my toes curl imagining the worst.
Ivy Manor 3; GwenMedia; Dir.,
John Fitzgerald; Stars: Isabella Sinclaire, Jewel
Marceau, Mia Parelli
A woman encased in see-through latex
from head to toe is lounging on the beach. She pulls
her black rubber encased slave girl up from the sand
to suck toe. The slave looks like a mole wearing an
eyeless hood with her pink tongue sticking out and
her wrists bound behind her back. As her reward, the
slave gets ballgagged and tied to a stockade planted
on the beach. She's left twisting in the latex wind
for days. Less extreme femdom/sub-girl tortures follow
that are more predictable. I must admit, I like the
idea of the latex prisoner bound to the beach stockade
for all eternity. Eventually, the tracking fails and
I'm forced to watch Jay Leno instead, the VHS god
smiling down on me. Ben Affleck's shilling the latest
meaningless Hollywood special effects schlock-fest,
Pearl Harbor. I look over the pile of porno
I've just survived and say, "Pearl Harbor my
ass. Live through this."
Thank you Taboo (video) for all