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xmag.com : June 2001 : Pornos for Primates

Pornos for Primates - adult movie review by Rex Breathes


Rex

Rubberfuckers Rule; Pirate Video; Dir.,Tonya Hyde; Stars: Monique Covet, Loureen Kiss, Monica Moore, Dora Venter...

A series of surreal vignettes explores the erotic joys of rubber fashion, opening with a blonde dom in rubber thigh-high lace-up boots and sunglasses commanding her sub to go down. Blonde dom leads her sub down into the dungeon where a sub-guy tethered to a giant rubber wheel o' fortune pops wood for sub-girl. Day-glo dildo insertion naturally follows. Dildo's replaced by the sub-woodsman...in her ass. Various sling chair insertions round out the scene leading up to the facial: Sub-woodsman launches a load that could power turbines at Bonneville Dam, drenching both female faces, dom and sub alike.

Scene two gets downright Nazi; the next dick is bound, blindfolded and ballgagged in a chair behind bars as the 4th Reich mistress fellates him. Her rubber trench coat, SS hat and jet black hair serve notice she's the boss. Nazi dom mounts his boyish Aryan good-looks with a black rubber strap-on. He takes it like a good soldier. No insubordination. Later, a blonde Fraulein fellates him between the bars while he passes time reading porno mags. Rubber SS officer returns and tosses the slut aside, then fucks her in the ass with her strap-on. Lots of fucking and sucking ensues in the narrow cell; SS mistress gets DP'd right out of her hat.

Next up, a woman trussed up in a rubber body bag gets dragged into some hospital de Sade where attendants probe her orifices with strange rubber devices. At one point, the patient's got what looks like a Jedi sword sticking out of her ass while she gets fucked from behind. A double dildo fuck-off follows, the blonde body bag girl and a brunette sharing a double-headed dildo bigger than any black hose under the hood of my car. And the strange sexperiments in the hospital de Sade continue...After an hour or so of this full-on insanity, I find myself longing for olden days when a glimpse of stocking was considered shocking. Rubberfuckers is depraved, perverted and even pretty good at times. But without any dialogue, characters or a single word spoken, it becomes a cold landscape of distant dildos filling up black holes in space. With five full vignettes, Rubberfuckers is too much perversion to swallow in one sitting.


The Black Room;
Vivid Video; Dir., David Stanley; Stars: Cassidey, Dayton, Shelbee Myne...

A man in a black suit, holding a black book, interrogates a couple in a black room. Flashback to the night they met, Halloween, and she sucked his dick right outta his cow suit. That's cow suit, not cowboy suit. If only I had thought of this, I could be producing porn instead of merely watching this brilliant art unfold from afar. So, he fucks her on top of some hay bales with a jack-o-lantern leering nearby. The man in the black room continues his interview, probing into the couple's troubled past and their relationship with their gifted but deranged son, Dale--conceived on that fateful Halloween fuck.

"I look over the pile of porno I've just survived and say,
'Pearl Harbor my ass. Live through this.'"

 

Scene two, Dale's all grown up now and having sex with some blonde beach bunny on a blanket in the bushes. Being a deranged genius, he cums on her toes. Scene three, Dale's slut for a girlfriend cuckolds poor Dale on Valentines Day; he walks in on her getting her baggy labia stretched by some Hoover sucking dirt bag positioned on his back. This inquisition into the life of Dale continues with no rhyme or reason as to why we should give a rusty fuck about his character--who, so far, has exhibited the personality of a rutabaga. This, in spite of his so-called "deranged genius." The black suit in the black room keeps referring to "learning why he did it," like that alone is supposed to drive the hapless plot.

Apparently, Dale liked getting cuckolded by his last girlfriend so he hires some Romeo to fuck his new girlfriend while he watches with a vacant, rutabaga stare. Dale's voyeuristic tendencies resulted from his impotency which, of course, lead to him dropping the clock radio into the bathtub with him in it. But first, Dale killed everyone previously interviewed in the black room. This is some real thinking man's porno here; glad I took notes.

 

The Q Spot; Wicked Pictures; Dir., Alain Payet; Stars: Holly Golden, Christophe Clark, Angela Tiger, Dru Barrymore, Daniella Rush...

We open under the Big Top where a trapeze artist is lowered on her swing down into the arms of her old-enough-to-be-her-father trainer. The dubbing on this French production is funnier that shit; the clown doing the voiceover on the trapeze trainer sounds like he's suffering from hemorrhoids as he fucks her down on the Big Top floor. It's good to watch a cheesy, dubbed porno film again. Off camera, the trapeze trainer gets mauled by a lion, post-coitus. The town doctor is called to the circus to administer first aid and take the trainer's dying confession: The infamous Q Spot--which will make any woman cum--is located in the rectum. Porno this bad is always good. So, what we've got is a set-up for an anal film as the small-town circus doctor must

relentlessly search for the "Q Spot." Shot on film in widescreen format, the wooden dubbed dialogue yields lines like,

"You want me to ram it in you harder?"

"Oh yes, doctor."

"My dear Janean, I'm going to show you something that will change your whole life," as he inserts his middle finger in her asshole and finds her "Q Spot."

This bona fide throwback to vintage 70s porn is far more like a classic re-release than a new release. I doubt that anyone at Wicked Pictures is clever enough to make a faithful send-up of 70s porn...or even old enough to remember. Nonetheless, The Q Spot succeeds in all its inadvertent silliness. Rent it and laugh your ass off.

 

Footopia; Eurotique; Dir., Toshi Gold; Stars: No stars given out of embarrassment, no doubt.

Slides, mules, pumps and boots serve as prelude to vigorous foot-fucking while K-Mart music plays under. An utterly, amazingly, stupid film. Nonetheless, you foot and leg fetishists are required by law to rent this video and jerk-off to it before going to bed tonight. The nudist-except-for-a-pair-of-9"-platforms scene is especially amusing. Eventually, Sylvia Saint, of all people, shows up to give a foot job in her white lace-up boots. Looking like ice cream spilled on the stairway to heaven, it's there he stops to lick her heels. This showcase scene is not enough to rescue Footopia from the dregs. Billed on the box cover as, "the finest foot tape ever," makes my toes curl imagining the worst.

 

Ivy Manor 3; GwenMedia; Dir., John Fitzgerald; Stars: Isabella Sinclaire, Jewel Marceau, Mia Parelli

A woman encased in see-through latex from head to toe is lounging on the beach. She pulls her black rubber encased slave girl up from the sand to suck toe. The slave looks like a mole wearing an eyeless hood with her pink tongue sticking out and her wrists bound behind her back. As her reward, the slave gets ballgagged and tied to a stockade planted on the beach. She's left twisting in the latex wind for days. Less extreme femdom/sub-girl tortures follow that are more predictable. I must admit, I like the idea of the latex prisoner bound to the beach stockade for all eternity. Eventually, the tracking fails and I'm forced to watch Jay Leno instead, the VHS god smiling down on me. Ben Affleck's shilling the latest meaningless Hollywood special effects schlock-fest, Pearl Harbor. I look over the pile of porno I've just survived and say, "Pearl Harbor my ass. Live through this."

 

 

Thank you Taboo (video) for all the above...

X

More Pornos for Primates
from Rex Breathes


rexbreathes@hotmail.com

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