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xmag.com : July 2001 : Pornos for Primates

Pornos for Primates - adult movie review by Rex Breathes


Rex

Porno Vision; Hustler Video; Dir. Kris Kramski; Stars: No Stars Given

Guys with pantyhose tied around their heads, obscuring their faces, get fellated by a blonde B-movie Queen. The spoken word under is very early 90s, as is the music. I get it. I'm actually watching a porno poem. The gauzelike shot-on-film focus is supposed to prick up my ears to the erotic narration. It's like Andrew Blake on Ecstasy. Whoopie. I fast-forward out of this nonsense hoping Kramski will come to his senses. Scene two: shot in B&W, girl in a mohawk shaves the head of her female partner. They trade places. Great. I'm sitting home on a Saturday night watching women shave each other's craniums with straight-edged razors. Spoken-word nonsense continues under, driven by the early 90s techno beat:

"I'm abused...pierced with your burning spear...beyond the confines of my shame."

Next, they shave each other's pussies and lick each other's shaved heads. I am limp below and above the brain stem...although the straight edge shaving the pussy wakes me up for about five seconds...proving my theory du jour: Over any appreciable length of time, things never get any better...like this magazine, Kris Kramski films (he peaked years ago with Klimaxxx) and the price of gas. Nonetheless, I choke down scene three.

"My body, torn and frayed, bleeds upon the sanctified cross," the female narrator drones on. Whatever. A woman wearing blue paint and wig introduces the cock of her blue boyfriend to her paint-free friend. By this point, it's obvious either Kramski pulled this one outta his ass to pay the rent or he's on drugs. Interesting, too, that he's moved from his long-time directorial residence with Sin City Video to Hustler. He complained to me about the lack of artistic freedom shooting porn, overall, and at Sin City in particular. Hard to imagine that Super Porn Industrial Complex, Larry (blow me) Flynt, would allow any funny business...like, making a halfway interesting porno instead of this made-for-cable candy.

"Do you like the grasp of my hand on your hard-on?"

I guess Larry Flynt just threw a wad of money at Kramski and he blinked.

"To see me as I am...a whore."

Clearly, the only whore here is Kramski. Porno Vision has none of Kramski's trademark beauty mixed with the macabre or sex and death themes. I'm sure Hustler would have nothing of it. If you're a big fan of Playboy and Penthouse-style videos and need the bad poetry to make you feel like an intellectual, then rent Porno Vision. Otherwise, burn it, piss on it, and throw it in the path of an 18-wheeler that it may never spawn a Porno Vision 2.


Eye Contact 8
; Xplor Media; Dir.?; Stars: Staccie Star, Molina Love, Summer Breeze, Lena Ramon...

Some sleepy-looking girls get interviewed by the cameraman as a prelude to sucking dick. What's skillful about this video is the cameraman keeping the lens steady while he gets his knob polished. Hence, he achieves the all-important eye contact, as they gaze up from his dick into his camera. The girls look like they barely wiped the birdies out of their eyes before showing up for the shoot. It's like, "Shit, I been up all night partying and now I gotta drag my ass outta bed at 9:00 AM to go suck dick."

The girl in scene two shows off her six pack while a little yippie dog barks in the Armageddon distance. The broken dish in scene three, Summer Breeze, puts a hurtin' on the camera and the man--stuck in the same blue plaid shorts with the zipper undone. The guy-in-shorts-with-the-fly-open-and-dick-hangin'-out is a Max Hardcore thing (Max started out at Xplor Media before he became filthy rich). But, trust me when I say Max Hardcore this is not. This is pro-am gonzo at its worst. Since we've already made eye contact with number eight in this series, we must assume someone's whacking off to this somewhere. Throw this in the path of an oncoming train with your hand still attached if you liked it.

 

 

"I swear the thing's over two feet long, thus proving that more than ten inches is wasted.'"

 

Twist; Empire Video; No Director; Stars: Farah, Venus, Isabella, Shay Sights, Miles Long

This bizarre, halfway S&M-themed video looks like a bunch of outtakes from older videos bought up wholesale and formed into Twist. We first endure a woman in a tailored suit looking very infomercial-like, as she lectures us about the practice of safe sex. She also says that some of the scenes were shot before the AIDS crisis, dead giveaway this smut has been languishing in some giant porno warehouse waiting for release. We open with a hooded guy wearing the Gates getting not-so-abused by his blonde Mistress. Canned 80s guitar rock under. She removes the Gates and his hood so they can 69, then fuck, followed by white pearls in her black satin gloves.

Scene two: girl in a fake Deutsch accent, wearing black PVC bra and panties, gets the purr-tongue from her Master while riding in her sling chair. What's engaging about this scene is when he sticks a black dildo in her that's bigger than a French Baguette.The sub-girl shows some genuine dismay on her pretty face as he unleashes this King Dong on her pussy, then makes her gag on it. I swear the thing's over two feet long, thus proving that more than ten inches is wasted. Nonetheless, the waifish creature fiercely fucks about a foot and a half of it. I shit you not. Hard act to follow as he fucks her with his little six-incher. Raunchy scene; I liked it. Lots of hair-pull-skull-fucking.

Other scenes are not quite so successful...like the oversized blonde getting toy-fucked by her long-hair-in-spandex-bandana boyfriend. I think those spandex bandanas were in for about a minute somewhere back in the 80s--like, David Lee Roth wore one, or something. All this transpires in one of those rubber-string lawn chairs on the dying grass around the pool. Sound of the lawn chair squeaking...obviously, this scene was deeply discounted at the porno warehouse...blue-light special. Eventually, she hoists herself off the squeaking lawn chair so he can fuck her tits in the dying grass. Still, it's a step up from Eye Contact 8. I'd let my dog watch this one...if I had a dog.

 

Big Ass NYC Shemales; Evil Angel; Dir, Joey Silvera; Stars: Big Ass NYC Shemales

Some candy-ass white boys get turned into bitches by horny hung shemales. In the first scene, the poor guy gets gang-fucked by three of them...who look finer than over half the women I know. And, they never go through that "time of the month." But what's really provocative here is how director Joey Silvera has come into his own. I haven't checked out Silvera since his inaugural Big Ass Brazilian Shemales. Silvera, who learned his pro-am gonzo style assisting the master, John Stagliano (of Buttman fame), has actually exceeded his mentor. Subdued lighting, expert hand-held camera work, sparse repartee with the eager participants all done with a verve for wit and evil, Silvera has to be the best Gonzo director in porn today. Look for Big Ass NYC Shemales to get AVN awarded this year. My only complaint being: There was only one scene where a woman had sex with a shemale--strictly a gender preference.

In the last scene, the exotic trannie, Neferetti, has an ass with a crevice like the Grand Canyon and a cock like King Missile, rivaling the dildo in Twist. I don't care what your sexual orientation is, this gender bender madness is simply hot, expertly filmed sex. It's a shame Silvera doesn't turn his gonzo eye to hetero, fetish or S&M. Because porno needs more directors like Silvera to show the rest the way out of their choke-chicken malaise.

 

 

 

 

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More Pornos for Primates
from Rex Breathes


rexbreathes@hotmail.com

March Online Xtra with clips from Kramski's Models and Chloe.

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