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xmag.com : January 2003 : Carnal Knowledge
Frank
Carnal Knowledge

THAT'S JUST FINE--

The Portland Trail Blazers announced last month that they would be fining forward Ruben Patterson $100,000 for "conduct detrimental to the team, the organization, its fans and the City of Portland," referring to an incident on Nov. 25 when Patterson was arrested for felony domestic assault of his wife. It is believed to be the largest non-suspension fine in Blazer history, and Blazer President Bob Whitsitt said he thought that by fining Patterson he was "doing the right thing."

 

IN RELATED STORIES--

Exotic magazine (THAT'S US) announced last month that the publication would be fining former Editor Jim Goad $500 for allowing last month's offensive column "Hard Justice" to slide by the magazine's review system. Publisher Frank Faillace (THAT'S ME) also announced the fining of former Exotic writer Officer Partridge for $5000, believed to be the single largest fine in Exotic history, for writing the article. Officer Partridge is a member of the notoriously eccentric group known as the Partridge Family Temple, a religious organization that worships the Partridge Family and drinks each other's urine. "If those people really believed in 'Come On, Get Happy!' and 'I Think I Love You' as guides to life, this article would never have been written," said Faillace (ME AGAIN). Goad immediately announced his resignation and Officer Partridge was relieved of his writing duties.

The NBA announced last month they will be fining the Portland Trail Blazers over $55 million for being that much over the NBA's "soft" salary cap. This is by far the largest single salary cap fine in sports history. The NBA will not be suspending the Trail Blazers, although they have promised the team will once again not make it past the first round of the playoffs.

All the strippers in Oregon banded together last month for the first time in history, forming the not-for-profit institute and liberal thinktank Oregon Strippers Association, and announced a $50,000 fine against Exotic (YOU'RE READING IT) magazine for publishing the "Hard Justice" column that was extremely derogatory towards dancers in the industry. The $50,000 figure was calculated as the monetary value of the emotional damage generated by the article for every stripper in the state of Oregon for a 15-minute period. A distribution system for the money has yet to be determined, but is being studied by the association..

Exotic (YES US AGAIN) magazine announced today that they will fine Trail Blazer President Bob Whitsitt $1 billion just for being a stupid

jackass.

Shawn Cassidy and Shirley Jones of TV's "The Partridge Family" announced they would be fining the Partridge Family Temple $1972 for misrepresenting the loving, feel-good theme of "The Partridge Family" in

their member's actions over the last few years, including numerous documented bar fights and the writing of the disparaging article "Hard Justice" in last month's issue of Exotic (THIS ONE) magazine. When asked, Cassidy said, "We love ALL people, INCLUDING strippers, and Officer Partridge's words were just so full of hate and meanness. That's not COOL. That's not what "The Partridge Family" is about. It's about LOVE, man." The figure of $1972 was decided upon because that was the year of The Partridge Family's last Top 40 single, "Looking Through The Eyes Of Love." "It just seemed like the right amount, man," said Cassidy.

 

AND IN OTHER NEWS--

Well, Exotic (IN YOUR HANDS) magazine finally "jumped the shark" last month with the publishing of the poorly-timed Officer Partridge column and then the shocking news that the U.S. Attorney General's office and the newly-formed Department of Homeland Security nearly shut the magazine down after being notified of the article, citing the "possible terrorist links" between the Partridge Family Temple and al Qaeda.

Luckily, after pondering the situation and thinking, "What would Ward Weaver do?" the publisher (ME JACKASS) was able to convince Attorney General John Ashcroft AND Department of Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge that Exotic (THE ONE WITH SPELLCHECK) magazine was NOT a front for financing al Qaeda, but just a bunch of gender-challenged, lower-lifeforms trying to make an honest buck off naked women.

And they fell for it...suckers. Can I get an "Amen!"? All the liars-n-lawyers in the country can't bring down Exotic (THE ONE PEOPLE READ).

So after all that, the biggest problem facing the publication was dealing with the angry strippers calling our humble little grammatically-correct-but-not-politically-correct magazine office. The pre-planned, stock answer to any-and-all telephonic verbal abuse was, "Problems in the coven, dear?"

 

MINDLESS FLUFF--

Finally, with this issue you may notice many, many changes, including the new Exotic logo. You may also notice the white background on the cover...And in case you haven't heard, rumor has it that covers with white backgrounds secretly signify that I'VE HAD SEX WITH THE COVERGIRLS! This vicious gossip has caused me many, many months of ANGUISH and HUMILIATION. And I just want to say for the record: That's nothing but a malevolent, mean-spirited, completely atrocious rumor...that I'll completely admit. Hot damn that was fun! Whoohoo! I RULE!

My Ode to Jim Goad: He made me laugh out loud and scared the hell out of me at the same time. Everyone else is boring.


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