when I was just a youngster, my Grandpa
Faillace used to take me on day trips
from Philly down to the boardwalks on
the Jersey shore to check out all the
girls in their little yellow summer
And then I'd run off to check out the
arcade and he'd lose track of me. Finally
finding me at the pinball machines,
in his English-as-a-second-language,
Italian accent he'd take me by the scruff
of my scrawny little neck and say, "Frankie,
you sonofabitch... You make-a-me soooooo
mad... yoooooou sonofabitch..." Then
he'd be distracted by a bare set of
smooth caramel calves walking by and
he'd poke me in the ribs, "Look at that
girl, Frankie! Mmmm, mi amore-
she's a beauty..."
But that was all before my Grandma Faillace
knew about his wandering eye--and worse,
his wandering lust. When she did find
out, she took the .22 rifle from the
closet early one morning and shot him
dead in his sleep. Which just goes to
show you: Don't marry an Italian girl
if you have a cheatin' heart...
I think our illustrious--with the emphasis
on LUST--editor Jim Goad has that song
somewhere in his "Hard Country" collection...
Which brings me--finally--to my POINT:
I've decided to get married. That's
right, I said I'm gonna get hitched,
get hooked up, take the dive, cuff the
ol' ball and chain... I've been a swingin'
bachelor for the last 17 years of my
life, and I think it's time to move
on, roll over, plunge in, pop the cork...
No longer will I be able to avoid commitment,
relationships or masturbate in the kitchen
and not clean up the mess.
It's time to GROW UP. My lust has been
contained and controlled. I'm READY.
And I really WANT
So, everyone is probably wondering what
little love kitten has smitten me with
such passion and motivation. Well, when
you think about it, it's all so obvious.
Deep down it all makes sense. No one
could compel me to make such a huge
life change, to take such a giant step
forward. No one but a woman many, many
people admire. No one but HER. It couldn't
be anyone else but our own beautiful
Mayor of Portland, Miss Vera Katz.
Sure, there are a some problems to work
out... She's a lot older than me...
She doesn't like the sex industry...
I'm not sure if she's currently involved
with anyone, or even if she's heterosexual...
All that, and I've never actually met
her. But in the past, I have received
messages from her assistant that she
wanted me to call her office, and that's
an IMPORTANT first step.
Despite all that, despite the hurdles,
despite the differences and the conflicts,
I find myself undeniably and inexplicably
drawn to this woman of great vision
and power. I am obsessed. I know TOGETHER
we can MAKE it work and I want the world
to know that I LOVE her. I LOVE THIS
WOMAN. I want to marry Vera Katz. MARRY
ME VERA. I LOVE YOU!
And, of course, she's not Italian. I
think she's Jewish.