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xmag.com : May 2002 : Carnal Knowledge
Frank
Carnal Knowledge

Back when I was just a youngster, my Grandpa Faillace used to take me on day trips from Philly down to the boardwalks on the Jersey shore to check out all the girls in their little yellow summer dresses.

And then I'd run off to check out the arcade and he'd lose track of me. Finally finding me at the pinball machines, in his English-as-a-second-language, Italian accent he'd take me by the scruff of my scrawny little neck and say, "Frankie, you sonofabitch... You make-a-me soooooo mad... yoooooou sonofabitch..." Then he'd be distracted by a bare set of smooth caramel calves walking by and he'd poke me in the ribs, "Look at that girl, Frankie! Mmmm, mi amore- she's a beauty..."

But that was all before my Grandma Faillace knew about his wandering eye--and worse, his wandering lust. When she did find out, she took the .22 rifle from the closet early one morning and shot him dead in his sleep. Which just goes to show you: Don't marry an Italian girl if you have a cheatin' heart...

I think our illustrious--with the emphasis on LUST--editor Jim Goad has that song somewhere in his "Hard Country" collection...

Which brings me--finally--to my POINT: I've decided to get married. That's right, I said I'm gonna get hitched, get hooked up, take the dive, cuff the ol' ball and chain... I've been a swingin' bachelor for the last 17 years of my life, and I think it's time to move on, roll over, plunge in, pop the cork... No longer will I be able to avoid commitment, justify multiple

sexual relationships or masturbate in the kitchen and not clean up the mess.

It's time to GROW UP. My lust has been contained and controlled. I'm READY. And I really WANT

to do this.

So, everyone is probably wondering what little love kitten has smitten me with such passion and motivation. Well, when you think about it, it's all so obvious. Deep down it all makes sense. No one could compel me to make such a huge life change, to take such a giant step forward. No one but a woman many, many people admire. No one but HER. It couldn't be anyone else but our own beautiful Mayor of Portland, Miss Vera Katz.

Sure, there are a some problems to work out... She's a lot older than me... She doesn't like the sex industry... I'm not sure if she's currently involved with anyone, or even if she's heterosexual... All that, and I've never actually met her. But in the past, I have received messages from her assistant that she wanted me to call her office, and that's an IMPORTANT first step.

Despite all that, despite the hurdles, despite the differences and the conflicts, I find myself undeniably and inexplicably drawn to this woman of great vision and power. I am obsessed. I know TOGETHER we can MAKE it work and I want the world to know that I LOVE her. I LOVE THIS WOMAN. I want to marry Vera Katz. MARRY ME VERA. I LOVE YOU!

And, of course, she's not Italian. I think she's Jewish.

 

 

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