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xmag.com : August 2001 : Pornos for Primates

Pornos for Primates - adult movie review by Rex Breathes


Marissa; Vivid; Dir. Paul Thomas; Stars: Cassidey, John Decker, Alec Metro, Lexington Steele, Dayton Rains, Venus, Mia Smiles...

We open with John Decker enjoying the sights up on the roof...which include the bare ass of the blonde bimbo climbing the stairway to heaven above him. Mia Smiles fellates and fucks Decker with the smog swallowing the skyscape in the LA porno distance. I can see why he took her up on the roof; bitch is loud. Decker looks more like a white-trash crankhead every time I see him. After he blows his wad, they climb down from the roof and Decker gets decked by her boyfriend. But that's okay because he's a famous--gold-records-on-the-wall--sax player. Now retired. Then some alterna-chick, Marissa, calls out of the blue to book Decker--who hasn't played in ten years--at her jazz club in NYC. Director Paul Thomas is going for that sensitive, art-house, porno, jazz groove. Suddenly, I feel like I'm in a Kramski film before he sold out to Hustler Video. Could there be a storyline/plot? After all, the opening credits list a writer. Back at Marissa's loft, her boyfriend sucks her shaved snatch while she hangs from a cross beam. The poor, semi-retired sax player can only listen and wait for his turn to show the little art whore his Big League chops.

Day two; Marissa takes him around to the usual sights: Papaya King, Washington Park, Stone bridge. By nightfall she's become his agent and he's on a plane back to Palookaville. Marissa is starting to drag out like deadlines at Exotic. And waiting for the plot to show up is more futile than waiting for President Bush to become coherent. Wait, I get it: Marissa is a serious, sensitive art-jazz film with... a great scene where the Oriental masseuse gives dueling hand jobs to the sax player and his agent. Talk about ambidextrous.

So they finally fuck and she hops on his back afterwards like Julia Roberts and Richard Gere in Pretty Woman (or is that Robert Redford and Jane Fonda in The Electric Horseman?). They take long showers together while the sax swoons under. They explore the Kama Sutra and I am bored outta my freakin' mind. Paul Thomas, you impotent colostomy bag. Shangri La is over. They fight, then fuck...his thrusts getting angrier. Suddenly, they say the "L" word and soil the sheets some more. I'm sorry, but John Decker is not the guy I want to watch in every scene throughout an agonizingly long feature. Like listening to Kenny G., Marissa pretends to soar while being stuck in every tired cliche. If you've got two hours to kill waiting for the world to end, rent Marissa. Otherwise, do something meaningful like laundry.


Threshold Of Pain; Gotham Gold; No director given; Stars: Master Armondo, Angel, Sasha Sweet, Natasha

Having already reached my threshold of pain watching the art-fag nonsense above, I need to see someone get punished. So I plug in this little male dom BDSM offering from Gotham. Lots of fishnet body stockings and masters in leather pants with body-cling lycra shirts. Some nice rope bondage, including suspension with the rope drawn taut between her pussy lips while hanging from the ceiling. Overall, the torture is too tame for my tastes. I want to see some slut really suffer after enduring Marissa. No such luck. Rent this as a clinical study offering pointers in the BDSM arts.


"Summers takes it up the ass with her Beverly Hills bouncing to the backdoor beat."


Erotic Eye; VCA; Director; Michael Danze; Stars: Krystal Summers, Brianna Banks, Shay Sweet, Bobby Vitale, Randy Spears...

Erotic Eye is a cheesecake mag headed up by the statuesque blonde, Krystal Summers. In the opening scene, a little twerp who barely comes up to Summers' tits buries his hungry-for-fame face in her Beverly Boob Job. And, what's more, Krystal's blonde down there, too, with the sweetest looking pussy lips this side of a ripe mango. The little guy, Bobby Vitale, pops a big bad boner and Summers swallows most of it. I'm impressed. Most natural blondes can't suck dick for shit, like they're too blonde for it. Summers takes it up the ass with her Beverly Hills bouncing to the backdoor beat. She rubs her puffy pussy and poof...we're back in the studio where each photograph serves as a lens opening on another scene. This time Randy Spears does the equally blonde

Brianna Banks, who looks a little nastier but not as nice as Summers. Just as the second hump around should. Erotic Eye is a reliable, no-brainer fuck film with a stock scene set-up and a nasty new star, Summers, who is worthy of your jism. I wouldn't pass on this if it came on cable and I needed a quick release.


Lady Be Good; VCA; Director, Wesley Emerson; Stars: Cheri Mirage, Paige Sinclair, Shanna McCullough, Holly Hollywood, Kyle Stone, Herschel Savage

Three's company as tight teens must have sex now, out on the living room sofa, while mom and dad are out of town. The girls are fresh and young, the pussies are smooth and the white ankle socks stay on. How did Frank miss this one when he pirated my promotional porno stash? Every box that says "eighteen" or "barely legal" has been tomb-raided of the video inside. Ahh, but this one said "Lady" in the title, thus crossing up our esteemed publisher who could never guess the tight young twat that lurked inside.

Whoops. Mom and Dad walk in on their baby girl taking it in the ass. Herschel Savage struggles in the Dad role, while newcomer Cheri Mirage works fine as the rich, bratty girl. Scene two's wasted on big sis in her Victoria's Secret lingerie spreading her legs for Kyle Stone's tongue. Nice money shot on her ass, though. Little sis is out on the streets, over in my kinda 'hood, where the escaped mental patients and the white-trash meth rats battle for scraps in the gutters. She returns home in time for breakfast served by the new servant she hired right off the street. The homeless mental patient to stiff butler is a bit of a stretch...but stretching things out is important in porno films. So, the 'rents, Shanna McCullough and Savage, have some granny sex, scene three, keeping it all in the family. Meanwhile, the slut-for-an-older-sister fucks a new guy every day but wears the same shoes. Continuity direction at its finest. Big sis tries to frame the homeless-mental-patient-turned-butler as a household thief, prompting little sis to suck his dick outta mercy. The sweet little newcomer swallows most of the big butler, easily outdoing her slut-for-an-older-sister. All in all, the first and last scenes sorta jerk for me while Lady Be Good falls down around the ankles in between. And what, if anything, the title has to do with, well, your guess is as good as mine.



Thanks to Kevin @ Taboo Video on MLK.




More Pornos for Primates
from Rex Breathes


March Online Xtra with clips from Kramski's Models and Chloe.







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