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xmag.com : June 2002 : Carnal Knowledge
Frank
Carnal Knowledge

 

WE Love LESBIANS

Ever since we had our little "What's With All The Lesbians" cover story a few months back (February 2002), a lot of our female homosexual readers all over the Pacific Northwest have been a little unhappy with us.

Sure, we had a little fun at their expense.

But to tell the truth, I was MORE than a little disappointed with their hate-filled responses: Pulling their advertising; Boycotting the magazine; Ripping a copy in half on Portland Cable Access; Saying horrible things about our editor Jim Goad and myself; Piling decimated Oscar Mayer Wiener packages in front of our office; Leaving thinly-veiled threats of violence on our office answering machine; Not letting us watch them GET IT ON anymore... I mean, we can take it, but it was a pretty goddamn extreme reaction to a harmless little satirical piece. How could they do that to us? We LOVE lesbo sex...

But see, that's what we do these days more than ever: We make fun of everybody. We will satirize anything. Why? Because it's FUNNY. It's INTERESTING. And sometimes, when it touches a nerve and you're not too reactionary, it even makes you THINK.

I've been keeping track. In the past year alone we have made fun of gay men 33 separate times, white people 43 times, black people 22 times, Jews 18 times, Muslims 16 times, Catholics 28 times, Italians 13 times, Asians 10 times, Latinos 11 times, the British 39 times, Nazis 16 times, Satanists 6 times, God 256 times, strippers 37 times, stripper customers 127 times, pornographers 54 times, rock stars 18 times, straight men 39 times, straight women 62 times, fat people 29 times, skinny people 10 times, politicians 74 times, mulletheads 5 times, past Exotic staff members 17 times, current Exotic staff members (ourselves) 93 times...

So, we spread the sarcasm pretty deep and wide. And none of these aforementioned groups have gotten pissed off enough to let even us know about it. Except for that one Bob Marley fanatic... Okay, and the three Darklady fans...

But apparently, the genetic makeup of women predisposed to lesbianism not only is missing the "cock hungry" gene but also tends to omit the "comedy-satire" gene sequence as well.

Lesbians, for some reason, seem to be very serious and sensitive about their sexuality and their place in society. But it's the 21st century, and after Martina and Ellen and Rosie and possibly even our own Portland Mayor Vera (I love her still), we thought they were over all that.

Well, in the interest of all the love and kindness that fills our aching hearts and groins this warm and flowery time of year, we now officially apologize to all our lesbian and lesbian-positive friends: We're sorry we hurt your feelings. We like you. We really do. Ahh, heck, we LOVE you.

Especially when you're hot and you let us watch.

 

 

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