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Pornos for Primates - adult movie review by Rex Breathes



Ass Worship Edition


Animal Trainer 5; Evil Angel; Dir., Rocco Siffredi; Stars: Janice, Sharon, Claudia, Michelle, Monique, Mari

Rocco's got a new look to this slick-'n'-sick series to wet your whistle. Gone is the whole throwback-to-the-seventies, madcap, fuckin'-on-the-farm, faux-natural kinda thing. Admittedly, that was fun. And all the performers had those big hairy bushes like Harry Reems and Vanessa Del Rio in the pioneer porno days. Now Rocco's gone rough and ready. Witness the forced anal feeding in scene one as the blonde's face is buried in the brunette's butt by the producer/writer/director's guiding hands. And here, Rocco has finally found a fuckmate equal to his endowment. But, he had to go black to do it. So, Rocco and his mate train these submissive animals in the spacious Euro-style bathroom. No annoying music under or garish lights. They shoot in the sunlight pouring through the windows. The girls have natural breasts and high, round rears. And their faces look a lot better than the treatment they're getting--fucked from behind with their heads pushed into the toilet. Strange mixture of beauty and the macabre in the spirit of director Kris Kramski, before he sold out to Hustler Video.

Scene two offers another skinny blonde in black PVC, zippered jump suit offering her pussy, unzipped, for licking. Orgy in the living room ensues with Rocco and his fuckmate taking four bitches. That's two apiece. Nice way to divide the spoils of war. Now that Rocco's had 'em, he invites over eight guys from the neighborhood to share in the harvest of his hunt. But all they get is to jerk off and cum on the girls' pretty faces. Some loads are bigger than others.

Scene three delivers more rough sex on the helm of a ferry boat as her slippery throat channels his wide vessel. Aye-aye, captain! Bitch doesn't gag once. Guy sounds Russian and has what looks like scars from some industrial waste accident on his mottled side. The Toxic Avenger? She gets passed around like a bottle of rum to the rest of the crew. This whore really gets used and abused. Afterwards, she stands up and spreads her cheeks for a gape shot that reveals the blue bruising her rectum took from the gang of eight. Her sneer over her shoulder says, "This is my badge of honor."

"Caution: Do not try this at home. These are professional dildo drivers on a closed course."


There's so many girls in AT5 that Rocco doesn't get around to fucking them all. Some are simply displayed on couches like after-dinner mints. You take a bite passing by after cumming. At over two hours, there's more than enough raw fuck footage and semenized assholes to fill your nutsack and empty your brain stem of war and rumors of war. Since HIV, Hep C, Herpes et al undermined the veracity of "Make Love, Not War," that leaves porno as man's best friend for skimming off the testosterone. Beats the hell out of buying a gun. And it's a lot cheaper, too.


Service Animals 3; Evil Angel; Dir., Joey Silvera; Stars: Julie Ryan, Sixx, Melissa West, Staria, Kaylee, Gia R., Cherie

Sticking with the anal/animal theme, as barbarism rules the day, I decided to check out this gonzo release from Joey Silvera. In the first scene, the blonde bimbo talks like she's holding a mouthful of marbles. Deep-throat lessons in the kitchen follow for the hired help. After a while, she seems to get the hang of it. Slow learning curve, fast body curves. Compared to Animal Trainer, there's a simpler, more proletarian feel to Service Animals.

Scene two offers some fine fetish relief for panty-hose freaks as the Alaskan native sticks her nylonic rear out the passenger window of an SUV. She shows off her nylon pussy before the driver jumps in. Good thing the cab's roomy as they romp about in the SUV parked in the garage...as every SUV will be if the Middle East erupts in war. At least those $30,000 gas-sucking machines will be good for something...fucking in the garage. Eventually they crawl out of the tombstone-gray vehicle for a romp on the green brocade couch. The cheap white sheet tucked over the cushions, to protect against cum stains, adds a ghostly touch.

One thing you know you're gonna get with Silvera, and that's a big round booty right in yo' face. And so the girl in scene three, who proclaims, "I'm white class, not white trash," bends over and spreads 'em before being blindfolded with her own panties. She gets down and dirty in the "White Class" laundry room. And she gets those cocks clean.

White cotton panty parade in the child's playroom, scene four; then some chocolate thunder shows up. This nasty threesome visualizes whirled penises on the same green brocade couch. And there's nothing like ghetto-sized booty to relieve tension. Service Animals 3 starts out slow, then picks up steam. You'll probably pop a nut on this one before you reach the end...of the
whirled penises.

Buttman's Butt Freaks 3; Evil Angel; Dir. John Stagliano; Stars: Zarah Lee, Sara Bennet, Cristy Parks, Kate Frost, Laura Black...

Completing our evening of ass-worship trilogy, we sample from the master Stagliano. His current Ass de Resistance, Face Dance Obsession, was unavailable at press time. Rex will review that vanguard of sphincterdom next month...if we all live that long. In the meantime, this freaky gluteus maximus filth will do fine.

We open with Stagliano in his editing room revisiting glorious asses of days gone by for his broken-hearted friend. Poor guy has a normie girlfriend who just doesn't understand his porno-film-fuckin' ways. So, he needs some relief. Lo and behold, some strange Euro-sluts in leather and latex descend on Stag's parking lot. They ball-gag the broken-hearted friend and bury his face in giant tan globes. Talk about global warming. Her ass rests on a foundation of tight black latex. Lift and separate...your mind. The weird succubi give him a double ass smoother--that's two cheeks for each of his facial cheeks rubbing in unison. Glaciers start melting in Antarctica. Then the Zebra-coated Dom deep-throats him. There's more face smothering in the first scene alone than most of those lame-o, 60-minute specialty smothering vids. The girls go double-dildo. Then one slut takes an inflatable butt plug in her ass that gets blown up, inside her, to the size of a rutabaga...except it's black. This shit might be too sick for some of you amateurs out there. Caution: Do not try this at home. These are professional dildo drivers on a closed course.

Scene two is even more surreal as the camera follows an ass swaying through a dildo and butt plug warehouse. I shit you not. Her ass would put a serious hurtin' on you. So she smothers a brother's black shaved dome with the ass at the end of the universe. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Stagliano gets a lap dance and a face dance from a tight, tan blonde wearing white spandex hot pants. Reminds me of the Olympic Gardens in Las Vegas, summer of '92--before breathing the gathering gloom. Stag fucks her tanned calves, eats her ass, fucks her feet and finally cums with her great-white-hope-for-an-ass crushing his die-happy face. This ass bonanza is so crammed full of deep, dark crevice, you might have to spread it out over two nights. There's just too many asses to cover here. Some things do get better with age...like Stagliano videos.




More Pornos for Primates
from Rex Breathes


March Online Xtra with clips from Kramski's Models and Chloe.









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