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xmag.com : March 2003 : Carnal Knowledge
Carnal Knowledge

I have figured out the solution to chocolateeverything...

It's hot chocolate.

We've been drinking a lot of hot chocolate here at the office lately, and it seems to have smoothed over the multitude of problems we experience on a daily basis.

We have gone through several hundred packets of cocoa in the last two months. The first month we started drinking it, we ran out near the end of deadline and Shon and I nearly panicked for the last three hours. Little did we know then, that as a cruel joke before leaving us to work all alone in the dead of night, Bobby had hidden the box of hot chocolate

in his desk drawer. Perhaps he didn't realize the consequences of his action at the time, or perhaps we have all just

underestimated how cruel Bobby can be when we don't get our work done on time.

Fortunately, Bryan, in an uncharacteristically sympathetic manner, has kept us well stocked with hot chocolate for the last two months. Or maybe he just saw that we got our work done much better and faster when amped on the brown cups o' chocolatey, happy brew.

And after I drank my last cup just about a half hour ago, I realized that I cannot be angry at anyone after I drink a

warm, creamy, sweet cup of hot chocolate. And the sugar and chocolate high is pretty much unequaled. Plus I've never been a coffee drinker. Too strong. Too bitter. Too fucking grown-up.

Thus, at 4:57 this morning I have come to the earth-shattering conclusion that hot chocolate is the key to every

problem we face in the world today.

Not only does it take you back to childhood, it soothes your nerves, yet perks you up. It makes you happy. It is primal in it's power.

Forget the duct tape and plastic. Steamy, creamy choco is where it's at.

Saddam Hussein? Osama bin Laden? They need to drink some hot chocolate.

George W. Bush? John Ashcroft? Hot chocolate.

The economy? Those Wall Street traders and corporate CEOs need to take five and down a few cups of Swiss Miss. It warms the heart.

Drunk, stupid people at your bar? Pour 'em a cup of the hot sweet nectar.

The French? Double hot cocoas. Oui, oui...

Fire in the nightclub? Throw some hot chocolate with great white cream on the inferno.

Frustrated because your not getting enough Nashville Pussy? Hot Nestle is the key.

Global warming? Massive budget deficits? Hole in the ozone layer? Space shuttle disaster? School funding

crisis? Rasheed's temper? Terrorist attack? Code red virus? Yeast infection? Liquor liability insurance? Erectile dysfunction? North Korea? Inhalation anthrax? Can't figure out what to write about?

After sex, it's all about the hot chocolate.

 

X

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