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xmag.com : November 2001 : Pornos for Primates

Pornos for Primates - adult movie review by Rex Breathes


Rex

Big Omar's Bonin' Up On Blondes; VCA; Dir.?; Stars: Omar and eager British Amateurs

This Brit series is so popular over there that VCA was compelled to pick up Yankee distribution and cash in. Omar has a charming, upper-class Queen's English accent and a huge cock he's forever employing to audition eager amateurs--who've never had such a big thing before. Isn't it loverly? Scene one, down at the Travelodge, features an innocent office girl trying Omar on for size. With her government glasses and cheap, bottle-blonde hair, you know she's moanin' for the green, not for Omar's black. Omar introduces his twelve inches to her on the particle-board dresser while she oozes enough milky white to cream a bowl of cereal. Nasty.

Rudimentary black-and-blonde fuckage on the checkered bedspread follows. The cameraman seems to get disoriented at times, shooting the floor, furniture, ceiling...must think he's David Lynch or something. With my headphones on, I'm practically deaf from all the moaning by the end of scene one.

Omar continues to bob around London Town sticking his 'Big Ben' in babelicious blondes. Omar crashes a friend's photo shoot and gives the model a proper knocking. Omar's 'British Banger' is so renowned that girls from all over England are constantly writing him, begging to audition for his flicks. And, of course, the auditions become his movie. Thus the entire breezy premise. Some of the girls are top-drawer--refreshing fuck-filled-faces never seen before in American porn. Takes two hands to handle the whopper as the girl in scene three gives Omar a lot of kneeling eye contact.

This British Invasion will not change the face of American culture. A facial with a British accent is still just a facial...and we thought of filming it first, so leave Omar on the shelf. With only four scenes, the pound is definitely shrinking. And so will you.

 

Succubus; VCA; Dir., James DiGiorgio; Stars: Julie Meadows, Brook Hunter, Bridgette Kerkove, Dynamite, Ava Vincent, Kyle Stone, Herschel Savage...

This is one of those big-budget feature porno films that hopes to get nominated for some AVN awards. I think we should air-drop every copy of this video over Afghanistan; then they'd feel sorry for us. Herschel Savage and Julie Meadows are arguing over nothing when they run over some ghostly woman with their black Mercedes. They stop to help, but no one's there.

Ooh, scary. She jumps outta nowhere into their headlights and begs the bitchy couple to take her home with them. Could she be the dreaded succubus? After all, how else would you run into a succubus in LA except by driving around in your Mercedes until you creamed one with your bumper? The LA couple is so upset about this meeting of metal and pedestrian, they throw the poor succubus in the back and immediately go home and fuck. Meanwhile, we have no idea what the succubus is up to. Raiding their refrigerator? Watching war updates on CNN? Making microwave popcorn?

"Omar introduces his twelve inches to her on the particle-board dresser while she oozes enough milky white to cream a bowl of cereal. Nasty."

 

So, after the guy gets done hosing his girlfriend (yawn), the freaky music starts and he creeps out to check up on their new live-in succubus. He finds her sound asleep (as I will be any second watching this video). Aren't succubi supposed to be nocturnal creatures? He pulls down the covers to take a peek. Well, you have to be a lot quicker and craftier than that to sneak up on some succubus. Suddenly, the covers are empty and she's standing across the room. Wow.

How hauntingly strange can you get? Insert dick into succubus here. And why the hell would a succubus require her partner to wear a condom, anyway? I mean, isn't a succubus, like, already dead? Savage drops a pathetic, middle-aged money-shot on her not-alive-but-undead breasts.

Next morning, same shitty porno movie, different day. The succubus, Lilith (that's simply not fair), gets cozy with the girlfriend while the guy goes off to work. Lilith starts playing with her Cracker Jack mood ring and the next thing you know, Kazaam!, the Twinkie-headed girlfriend is completely hypnotized. Lilith drones on,

"I know you have special yearnings, special feelings, hidden here deep in your heart. Things kept secret that only you and I know about."

And so the bleached-blonde succubus turns out to be a genie in a Clairol bottle, manifesting her prey's hidden desires...which turns out to be sex in the kitchen with some stranger. Look for this Succubus to incubate on the shelf before sucking seven bucks a whack from unsuspecting customers ordering off the Spice channel.

Meanwhile, the succubus inspires Savage to fantasize about his secretary fucking dirty homeless men in a back alley. Porn this good is why we must keep bombing those terrorists to preserve our way of life. As the Army's elite Delta Force parachutes into Taliban territory, I wave my limp flag in salute to bad porno--an American tradition for thirty years.

Dangerous Games; VCA; Dir., Veronica Hart; Stars: Chloe, Tina Tyler, Keri Windsor, Mickey G., Kyle Stone...

So, we forge ahead, over the barren porno landscape, into this Veronica Hart release, hoping against hype. At least Chloe and Tina Tyler both know how to act. And Chloe can suck dick better than any succubus wannabe...as she proves right off the bat in scene one. Chloe loves cumming on camera more than any other porn queen, and she doesn't disappoint here. In fact, she cums twice, just in case you were up getting a snack. Which is what he gets, sucking her succulent ass while he beats off. The harlot heat coming off Chloe's dirty-talk in the first scene nearly knocked my headphones off.

So Chloe slinks down to the swank singles nightclub. Mickey G. looks angry as he catches up to Chloe outside. Segue to a slut swallowing big beefsteak in a back alley. More than a mouthful is wasted on some girls. Not this one. They fuck on one of those wooden wire spools while Chloe and Mickey G. and me watch from the perverted shadows. I insert an alternate porno tape in my brain here, watching someone I once "knew." Always a good sign when the porno inspires these parallel universe moments in my head. Two trains running. He fucks the unholy bejeezus outta the little tramp.

Meanwhile, Tina Tyler takes a couple guys home from the nightclub because her hubby, Mickey G., is so boring and predictable. Tyler's slow, sultry brunette burn is the perfect complement to the incandescent Chloe. Poor Mickey G. walks in on wifey and the guys. Pausing to take turgid manmeat out of her painted mouth, Tyler sneers,

"A little humiliation will do you good."

So, hubby sticks around for a cuckold view from the couch.

"See, I always told you your cock's not big enough," Tyler snarls at Mickey with one in her pussy and the other in her ass.

Mickey G. meets Chloe in an abandoned warehouse where they paint each other in gay pastels as foreplay to fucking. Oh well, not every scene can sizzle.

Tyler keeps up the bitch routine as she drags rich hubby to the "Osaka Meeting," where he must strip and be used in the board room by the clients--two upscale Asianatrixes. The silky, waxed-smooth Japanese pussy was never lovelier--flowers of the Orient.

In the end, the humiliated hubby turns out to be the clever one as he manipulates Chloe into killing his wife. Then sends Chloe to jail so he can make off with his blonde bimbo assistant. Veronica Hart has done it again with this couples-friendly feature. Next month I promise: Face Dance Obsession will rip your ass-craving gums out. Till then, bombs away.

*

 

(Note: My spellcheck's suggestion for Taliban: Tailbone.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

X

More Pornos for Primates
from Rex Breathes


rexbreathes@hotmail.com

March Online Xtra with clips from Kramski's Models and Chloe.

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